I suddenly feel so much freer. I know that this giving in will be a process, but I have hope.
I see so many destructive habits that were my way of being rebellious and bucking the system. I think even things like my weight, bathing (ew) and bad hair were my way of keeping control. How? It's complicated. I have never been able to make people love me. This way, I could control what people thought of me.
After I prayed, with Darling, I sat and just looked around and looked at myself. It broke my heart. The breaking of my heart felt so, so good. Whenever the puppies give in and let us be "alpha" (yes, we use phrases like that) they normally give a big sigh. As I looked around, crying softly, Darling said "I think this is your sigh."
I've felt for a long time that there was something blocking me from achieving anything, something I couldn't get past. I'm kinda torn between two things it could have been. The number one thing, the thing that I know it was, is God was saying "Look, you have to give in to me. You have to let me be in charge and lead." It's just like with Topher. There is so much I want to do with her, and so much I want her to experience. The thing is, I can't let her until she knows I'm in charge. I'm giving in. I don't want to be in charge anymore.
"Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last."