Tomorrow is the big day. Its the day we get to see Baby E again and hopefully find out whether we are having a little boy or a little girl! It's so exciting!
And a little bit terrifying.
Setting aside thoughts of "oh my word, I'm over half way there!" and "Dear Lord, am I ready to be a mom? Is Somewhere ready to be a dad? I guess we better be because it's happening, and it is good."
As excited and nervous as I am, there is still a thought of a little fear. There is still that small part of my heart that no matter how hard I want to embrace this child and full heartedly enjoy this pregnancy, that small part still has a guard up, still has a ounce of fear of "be careful. What if you get all worked up and excited and tomorrow they say there is a problem, and all that joy becomes pain."
It sucks, don't even bother to pardon my 'French', it plain old sucks to feel that.
Today I put up a gender poll on Facebook. I'll admit, it was scary!
Someone asked for a baby bump picture to be able to make their prediction. I smiled at the clever ploy to get a bump pic and raced to the bathroom to get dressed for work and get make up on so I could take it. As I put on my make up, I wondered if this could be the last happy picture of me in this pregnancy.
Now before I go on with this seeming "diatribe", I am not dispondant about this baby. I have every hope and prayer that tomorrow will be a day of awesome excitement and rejoicing. I am posting this as an "encouragement" to other After Loss moms that they are not alone in these little doubts and it is okay and normal.
I had that thought, for that fleeting moment, and I said to myself "then embrace the joy today."
I enjoyed every second of that beautiful (huge feeling) baby bump. I did my hair and I did my make up with happiness at getting ready to share my delight over this body carrying life in it.
As I drove to work after sharing the picture, I thought about the moment of doubt and the embrace of joy. I realized it was a lesson I hope to carry everyday from now on. A lesson of not knowing what time you have left with anyone, be they close or the person buying coffee from you that day. You have that instant to give the belief that faith is not in vain, to impart hope, to sprinkle love. To find the glitter in the moment. To be the glitter. Embrace it.
English Standard Version (©2001)
"So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1 Cor. 13:13
And on that note, I give you the first word of the new blog name: "Glitter." The name has three parts and I am desperately trying to have it up by the first week of July. Be on the lookout for posts giving the next two parts!