Friday, May 31, 2013

Bragging on Somewhere

Last night, after a fun night of hanging out with some friends of ours, Somewhere and I got home about an hour after my normal... I would call it "bedtime" but its more closely akin to "Loss-of-any-power-in-the-'verse-to-stay-awake time."  It doesn't matter if I'm on a couch or in the bed or car, I will fall asleep.  When we were playing Halo with our friends I mentally had to will myself to stay awake with "you will not lay down... you WILL NOT lay down."  I was supremely grateful when Somewhere, watching out for me despite my most valiant attempts to last, signaled we were headed home.

We got home and still had some tidying, which really means cleaning, to do before my brother (yay!) and one of my close friends (yayyay!) were planning to come in today.  (They aren't coming together or anything, it just happened to be they would both be here.)  It really was the plan for me to just sweep and Somewhere unload the dishwasher, which I abhor, and then go to bed.

I sat down for a moment to untie my shoes and say hello to my T-dog, who greets me like she will never see me again past this moment and figures I need a store up of her massive love.  It's rather nice.  Last night, though, she managed to bop her head, so gently, onto one of the "blemishes" on my chin.  It stung, but more than that, it was the final straw.  It hurt and gave a crack in a wall I didn't even know was there, built to contain the many emotions of this pregnant lady. I felt the tears rise up as I just couldn't deal anymore.  I told T that I loved her but I needed space right now.  (Really, it didn't hurt that bad!)  I knew it was time to just cry, give into the emotions for a moment and cry them out.  Yes, I'm that kind of woman.

I stood up and took two steps to Somewhere, tears just about to start brimming over, and hugged him. Perhaps grasped on and cling to him would be a closer image. Then I started to cry.

There has indeed been times when this would have been a little bit of a shock moment for him.  He knows how to deal with "woman tears" but his response used to be to make me laugh, which I didn't mind at all, or to perhaps be a bit overwhelmed himself and just try to understand my confusing rants of emotional angst.

Not last night.  He asked what was wrong as he held me.  I sobbed about how tired I was and then just kept sobbing. He told me that was really okay, we've had an incredibly busy month for us. I simpered that I just needed a hug and his reply, "you can always come get one." *happysigh*
I sat down and he called B-Boy over to give me a kiss.  That dog gives awesome kisses.
Somewhere waited and then gently asked if I was "just tired."  I told him no. This was quite a bit of baby hormones, exhaustion, and just plain being overwhelmed.  With everything.  Which received a laugh filled series of questions that proved I wasn't exactly overwhelmed by everything.

He listened to the list of things that I was basically "done" over.  We talked about them a little and I asked if it would be so bad if we just went to sleep.  He asked if that's what I wanted and when I agreed it was, he said he had been thinking about taking a nap anyway. (We'll talk about his sleep habits perhaps in another post.  They are... different.)  I was still teary when we started getting into bed.  I smiled and said "okay, it's almost over."  I then apologized for crying, admitting that it was probably a frustrating, startling or scary moment when I did.  He told me it wasn't. I asked if it was confusing.  He said no.  I then asked what it was.  He replied that it was just something that would happen. It just was.

You are probably wondering the point of this post.

It's my post of gratitude to be blessed with a spouse who is there.  This isn't to point out the ones that aren't there or anything like that. I am just so blessed by the love and acceptance he shows.

He has been there for me through so, so much. He strives to be a provider and leader for our home. He learns the complex lesson of what makes a Me tick better every single day.  I've watched him grow more protective, especially since see the baby bump forming. He guards me. He protects. He shelters.

Do we ever have our bad days? Of course we do. We both have moments of wondering if the other person knows us at all. We don't always protect.

But in the end, he is my teammate. We will always look out for each other.

Photo: Hanging with...

I love him.

Side note:
For a great post on love, check out sarah at My Shady Grove.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Heartbeats (This may be updated later.)

Heartbeats are an incredibly important thing to me, aside from the fact of how mine helps keep me alive.

I didn't realize that I loved the sound of a heartbeat until I met Somewhere.
See, this may be hard to believe, considering my cold exterior, but I can be so sappy and a bit of the romantic.
-Who are we kidding, I cry at Britain's Got Talent auditions.-
Anyhow, I used to tell him that I missed my heartbeat.  I then explained that since I had given him my heart, he now held my heartbeat in his chest.  I know, cheesy. After our time apart when he was at school or in NC, I would lay my head against his chest whenever we would reunite and just listen to his steady heartbeat.

Then with the Sweethearts, I lay on a table and listened, with all of my might, for the sound of life from the Doppler.  I didn't know all I would ever hear was the sound of silence.  I'm at peace with that now.

I waited again, in April, to hear that sound from the ultrasound machine.  It was the most glorious sound I think I've ever heard, that fast "thump-thump" that filled the room.  Every time I get nervous or have a rough day, it's all I can do to stop myself from plunking down LARGE amount of cash needed to rent a personal Doppler.  I take a bath and lay submerged, just wanting to hear something or feel a movement.  (I haven't yet, but one day I will.)

I can't help but correlate that with my walk with God.  I'm not the person who daily remembers to read their Bible and spend time in devotions. I've typed before about my many failings.  As the day gets closer and closer though that Somewhere and I will become the most frequent view of Jesus Baby E has, my heart draws closer to God.
Here I am, about to be a mom. It's so scary. I've felt so far off path before, and still do sometimes. Some days get scary and I suddenly hear the silence.
I realize I want, I need, to hear His heartbeat and feel Him move stronger than I have before, more urgently.

Then He fills the room.

And it is mystical.