Monday, January 31, 2011

Day 10

Tonight is about words.

There is amazing strength in words: "i love you." "i'm proud of you." "i'm home."

There is amazing harm in words: "i hate you." "you make me sick." "goodbye."

It astounds me how just a few words can either make or break a moment.   I am a great lover of words and their meanings.  Not so much their place in grammar, but, that is neither here nor there.   I can't think of words without thinking about how a scientist put words on samples of water, and then, after freezing the water, he took pictures of the patterns.  Jagged, ugly, harsh shapes appeared in the water with words of that type and beautiful mosaics in the words that were kind and gentle.

The Bible calls on us to watch our idle words.  I hope one day to become the kind of person who is one to be listened to.  The kind of person who is quiet unless the thing is truly important enough to be spoken.  Guard my tongue, please, I beg you, God.

This song is the thing that keeps running through my head tonight.  Particularly the line "I used to be afraid of cluttered noises.  Now I'm afraid of silence" How often do we say "man, I'd just like some peace and quiet!" When the time comes though, all we do is fill it with noise.

There's only artificial light
My flaws hide well here
I used to be afraid of cluttered noises
Now I'm afraid of silence

Fill this space Idle words
I'm scared to death of light and silence
Jesus kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did.

Now I am mute despite myself
All of them are gone
The silence overtakes me
The idle words forsake me and I am left to face me
I'm held accountable
For every idle word
Curse the idle words
(Flyleaf, "In the Dark" )

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day Nin3


That's the thing on my mind right now. I have an awareness of many of my flaws, I can admit that. One of my most deadly painful flaws is jealousy. I am often overwhelmingly jealous. I know it is not healthy. It eats at me and my soul. I have deep rooted issues. I come from an enormously talented family and I have many brilliant friends. Many times I can not enjoy or even attend some events due to my jealousy. I feel the need t be as good, to be appreciated, to be head in esteem. That's crap. I felt the need to diligently hold a dream to be famous and well-known. Somehow, in my mind, that meant others success battled with mine.

"Why didn't people want me to sing, why were others picked over me." "Why isn't my art the most popular." "How dare that person be so gifted without even caring or trying."

No more.

God honestly doesn't care how famous I am on earth. All He cares about is His fame.

No more me.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day Ate

Sorry there was no post last night.  I'm posting this really quickly before I leave for work.   I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, woot woot, but family is worth it.

Anywho, time for the real reason for this post.  Maybe you're like me and sometimes you get stressed or worried about the "m" word.   I know, there's a few of those, so let me narrow it down.  Money.  That moment when you look at the paychecks and go... "hmmm.  That's just not going to cover it all. Crappp, not again."  Josh and I are really working on taking care of money but stuff still happens.  Things out of our control.   If you are like me, you then spend the whole day fretting and conniving ways to stretch it out, push this bill there and cut that cost down.  By the end of the day, you have a total stomachache and all you feel is sick.

BUT WAIT! God said "who by worrying can add an inch to his life?"  He also said "cast your cares upon me."  Not only that, but He also said, "do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough cares of its own."

 Can I add a dollar to my bank account by sheer worry will power? Heck no.

 Is my needing a little more just going to break the bank of the God of the universe? Are you crazy?

Was today a day that caught God by surprise?  He exists outside and inside of time, so, really?

This is my moment of saying

     "God, every time I've stressed, you have whispered, 'who are you to say what's enough. Trust me.  Why are you letting a piece of paper tell you what's enough?'  In this and from today on (one day at a time) I won't stress or worry.  Grant wisdom and do what you have always done oh so well. Thank you. I don't deserve all You do.  Amen."

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day Seven

Well, this is exciting.  I'm at the one week mark.  :-)  I'm totally not wimping out.  Tonight, I feel very one word, more to the point, I feel very much like describing each thought with only one word.















Thats all for tonight guys.  Until tomorrow, in the words of Mr. Jobs quoting The Whole Earth Catalogue ,  "Stay hungry, stay foolish."

Thursday, January 27, 2011


‘When you painted on earth–at least in your earlier days–it was because you caught glimpses of Heaven in the earthly landscape. The success of your painting was that it enabled others to see the glimpses too. But here you are having the thing itself. It is from here that the messages came. There is no good telling us about this country, for we see it already. In fact, we see it better than you do.’
‘Then there's never going to be any point in painting here?’

‘I don’t say that. When you’ve grown into a Person (it’s all right, we all had to do it) there’ll be some things which you’ll see better than anyone else.
 One of the things you’ll want to do will be to tell us about them. But not yet. At present your business is to see. Come and see. He is endless. Come and feed.’

   This beautiful quote comes from the book "The Great Divorce" by the great C.S. Lewis.  This is the current audiobook that I'm listening to on my route to work.   I love the idea that what we capture, that thing that keeps artist thirsty, the glimmer that stops you in your tracks and makes you want to hold that thing for ever, is a glimpse of Heaven.  I know that sounds cheesy or sappy.  I do believe that in our souls is a deep, deep seed, desperate for the light of what we were before all was changed.  I often feel all that is good is a remnant of that.   How corny? Pretty darn. 

    My dear BFF came over again, two days before she leaves again for school, and we spent time giggling and painting.  Before we started, we discussed who we thought we would be like when were older and moms.  Then as I painted, with oils for the first time, I stopped and closed my eyes, letting Imogen Heap take me to a happy place.  I am beginning to determine that great artist don't become great by only creating art when they have total days to work on them.  They become great by thinking that art is important enough for you to make time.  Here's two of the things I doodled with tonight.  Yeah, I'm an art major, and yes, this is what I would like to pursue in some form as a career.  I am totally not putting these up as an example of my better works.  This is just doodlings. :-p

  Does this post have much to it, other than a quote and random musings about art? Nope.  Am I running out of material?  You totally don't know me.  I neeevvvveeeerrr run out of things to talk about


"At present your business is to see. 
Come and see. 
          He is endless. 
Come and feed."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Day 5ive

    You thought I forgot/gave up this soon, huh?  Nope... You're stuck with me these full on 52 weeks. :-p

   Here's why some of my posts will be later at night.  I work, and where I work, I sometimes don't get off til 11:30 and then I have about a 45 minute drive home.  Add to that eating and spending some time with the hubby man, and you get to a number that is very late.

   I've gotten back into the late night mood lately.  I think doing this blog has kinda helped it along.  I am being to cherish the quiet night as my husband sleeps beside me.  To know that I am free to relax and not have to leave anytime soon for work or some event.  It's bliss. Me and Veronica (Mars) spend the night solving crimes and sorting out my thoughts.  Okay, so really, she solves the crimes and I try to sort my mind.

  There's something that keeps reoccurring whenever I think about who I am.  I feel like people perceive me in a totally different way then who I am inside.  They see me as the sweet, loving, jeans and t-shirt, kinda-weird-but-still-pretty-safe girl I have been forever.  For the most part they are right, I try very hard to be kind.  Mainly, I feel like my fashion doesn't match me. I'm clean cut, no tats or piercing, my hair is a normal colour (for now, mwahahaha)  I guess this is a kinda pointless post, except to say, expect some changes.

  Here's a fun site to visit if you feel like staying up til 4 A.M. I've had so much fun here making a little collage of what I'd like my style to lean towards.  The site, Polyvore, lets you browse through tons of different items, based on categories you pick.  Then it allows you to either drag them onto a blank page or into a template creating a piece of art out of your fashion choices.  Not only can you save your "set" and share it, it will show you a list of where to purchase all the items.

Time waster? Maybe. Good way to show people your style for upcoming holidays or birthdays. Definitely.  What's that you say? My birthday is coming up? Why! You're right!  I didn't even think of that...

Thanks to for the original mention of this super site.


Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 4a (I'll post again tonight.)

  I'm so, so hesitant to share this one.  I said I would keep it real here and I think this is a song some people need to hear.

  It is the clean version BUT! There is an scene involving cutting and there is one curse word written on a wall.

  The words are really powerful and the message is strong.  Again, watch with caution, but give the words to this song at least a read if you don't want to listen.  Again, this is the radio edit.

  God, in my opinion, has never asked us to look or act certain ways to please other people.  His words were "they look at the outside, but I look at your heart."

  How do I think that fits with this?  It's the moment when she decided to quit being angry, and instead, let out the beauty inside of her. (By the way, that's totally my dream moment to have a gallery opening like that one day.  I need to get sketching.)  I see nothing wrong with letting out the uniqueness in you.  I mean, I completely understand the line "they don't get my hair." :-p God gave us each such a beautifully different vision of what beautiful is, how do you know what the purpose was?  Glorify God in all you do... don't worry about anything but that.

  Is there someone you need to remind that they are flippin' perfect to you?  Do you need to remind yourself that you are someone so, so special?

"Perfect (Radio Edit)" 
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated this place
Miss no way, it’s all good
It didnt slow me down
Always second guessing
Look I’m still around
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I’ve seen you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me
The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer
So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics
Cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans
They don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Oh baby pretty please
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever feel
Like you’re less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me
You’re perfect, you’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me

Here's Pink's thoughts on the song as well:

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dey 3

I'm sitting here in bed, watching Veronica Mars while my still sick husband sleeps.  I was trying to think what to write about as I have one hour left in the day.  The mom of one of the characters walked on the screen, and with her, my idea for this post.  This mom had the perfect yoga body, complete with the perfect yoga outfit, showing off more of her abs than I have ever felt comfortable doing. She had the body I want so badly.  Then I remember... all the sugar and crud I've put in my body today alone.  On top of that, did I exercise? Nope.  (Okay, in my defense, today isn't the best example of a day to work out on.  I was at work most of the day.)  There are plenty of days though were I could exercise.  I just don't take the time and effort.  You could say it is because I don't love myself enough, give myself enough worth or I am just plain lazy.  Any of these, and maybe a little bit of all of these are true.

This isn't just about my body though.  What else am I feeding into my body and mind while expecting something else?  I mean, I don't want to sound trite or judgmental.  That's far from it.  Its just like with food that somethings certain people can eat all day long and not gain a pound, while others can't even have a bite.   Am I watching shows or movies full of sex and yet expecting a pure marriage? Am I listening to movie that feeds anger and yet expecting to be happy?  Am I filling my mind with all the worries of the day, and yet expecting the peaceful sleep of those who trust?

So what's on your mind's plate tonight/today?

Found on "Pinterest" from

 I hope these don't sound Reader's Digest.
Yeah, I will be going to work on that hot wife look.  There's just the whole "doing it" thing.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day Tu

   Okay, first off, I'm really surprised with the response I've gotten to this blog.  Don't get me wrong, it's a good surprise.  Thank you to all who have already expressed interest in this.  (To those who aren't sure, don't worry, it's only 363 more days.)

   Today BFF and I were talking about that concept of annoying Christians.  She and I were trying to get to the core of why we can't stand a lot of Christians and don't understand why people put up with us as a group.   A lot of this isn't directed at people I personally know, but this mindset that I see a lot in Christianity.   Also, even though I don't like them, I do love people. It's more of a "Oh sweet Jesus, please, please tell me that's not what I'm like.  Please tell me I'm more real."

   One point was that most Christians do not like admitting that they are sinners. Yes, we are sinners made perfect by grace, but we are people in rebellion against the Creator of the Universe.  Do we admit that though? No.  We like to think of ourselves as good people who go to church, and as Chonda Pierce says, "We don't cuss and we don't chew and we don't go with boys that do."  That's not even half the problem though.  The real problem is that we treat people outside of our faith as if that is true, that we are perfect, instead of realizing that we are just as low as they are and we have no place to judge.

   Because you profess Jesus, this makes you sinless in the sight of God, but not struggleless.   Honestly, don't you want to know that instead of feeling like you constantly have to put up a facade of perfection?
It is so liberating to me that I can say "I struggle."  Not as a crutch mind you, but as a "look, this is a journey, you can't fix it all at once, it wouldn't feel true if it was.  This is something that you and God will move through together."  The idea that there are days when God says, "Yeah, you still have flaws, but that was a victory, let's celebrate!"   I started to write that I felt like for every victory, seven hundred failures are there.  That's not true.  It's like digging in the earth or licking a jawbreaker.  Or peeling an onion ;-p   Second, sometimes the appearance of failure is Satan. Who, by the way, we blame wwaaaaayyyyy tooo much on.  The devil didn't make you do it. That would make you possessed.  The human in you did it.

   I have so much more to say on this but I think I'll save some for tomorrow.  I'm curious to hear thoughts on what I've said so far.  I can't really think of a good question, so just let me know what you think.  Also, go check out Madge's blog as she posted a blog that references yesterday's blog. I have three things for you all.  A story, a picture and a quote.

   First, a story.

"I'm going to take a shower" said the radiant Sylver one Saturday morning at the end of making a delicacy known as "blueberry pancakes."  "Okay, I'll watch the last pancake," said CJ, already with her mind on the blog she was about to write.  Fifteen minutes, later, CJ, in the midst of eloquent epiphanies and moving monolog, jumped up from her seat. She exclaimed "CRAP!" with a look of dismay upon her face, realizing that the pancake was most assuredly lost.  Once the damage was surveyed, CJ flipped the pancake, turn off the stove and returned to her seat.  Sighing, she shrugged her shoulders and continued pressing lettered buttons. The end.

"I don't care if people don't like Christians, hate them if you want, but please don't hate God for how His followers act. That thought breaks my heart." 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day Won

Well hello there.  This is my first blog for this blogject of mine.   A lot of people are doing "Project 365" right now, which is basically where you take a picture every day representing that day for 365 days, aka, one year.   I have tried that before... and then broke my phone which was acting as my camera.  After that happened, I gave up.

 I have really been wanting to get into this blogging thing though.  I have tried numerous times, but either reached a point where I felt I couldn't be myself for fear of what others would say, or I reached the point where it was too intimate to share with the general public anymore.  I am going to use this blog as the happy medium. (Don't you love that phrase? "The happy medium." I love it so much particularly because of a character in Ms. L'Engle's books who was called the Happy Medium. I digress.)

For 365 days, I am going to commit to blogging.  There is no particular reason why I chose today, Jan. 21st, to be the start of this blog.  It just is.  My birthday is in a few weeks, but I didn't want to wait that long.

Also, and I don't even know if I should mention this part, or just let my words do the talking.   I am a believer of a particular faith. (Christianity, if you must know.) Due to this, I have felt over time that I couldn't express the things I liked because of my position in my faith.  If you are someone who has ever made me feel that way, don't worry, I'm in no way angry.  I thank you for keeping me honest.  I just can't continue to have two sides of me.

 I am in absolutely no way perfect.  I have honestly called myself the "worst Christian example ever."  I swear.  I watch movies and tv shows that I shouldn't. I laugh and tell jokes that I shouldn't. I know I am so very flawed.  Sometimes I feel so much so that I don't know if God wants to talk to me.  For some reason, He normally does.

That's part of the process I am in right now.  Most people who call themselves Christians, annoy the ever living heck out of me.  I can't stand them and I wonder if that is really how Christ wanted to be represented.  I'm on a journey of learning to be a follower of Christ, and not merely, a Christian.

I think that's enough said for right now.

Thank you for coming! If you are interested, stick around, comment, add, whatever.  If you aren't, or you don't want your children reading me, that's totally fine.  My feelings aren't hurt.  I don't blame you.  Please have a fantastic day!

That said, I'm signing off to finish making sushi.

Start every day aiming for fantastic,
[Insert name here]

 (I haven't decided on a blogger name yet.  Any ideas?)