Heartbeats are an incredibly important thing to me, aside from the fact of how mine helps keep me alive.
I didn't realize that I loved the sound of a heartbeat until I met Somewhere.
See, this may be hard to believe, considering my cold exterior, but I can be so sappy and a bit of the romantic.
-Who are we kidding, I cry at Britain's Got Talent auditions.-
Anyhow, I used to tell him that I missed my heartbeat. I then explained that since I had given him my heart, he now held my heartbeat in his chest. I know, cheesy. After our time apart when he was at school or in NC, I would lay my head against his chest whenever we would reunite and just listen to his steady heartbeat.
Then with the Sweethearts, I lay on a table and listened, with all of my might, for the sound of life from the Doppler. I didn't know all I would ever hear was the sound of silence. I'm at peace with that now.
I waited again, in April, to hear that sound from the ultrasound machine. It was the most glorious sound I think I've ever heard, that fast "thump-thump" that filled the room. Every time I get nervous or have a rough day, it's all I can do to stop myself from plunking down LARGE amount of cash needed to rent a personal Doppler. I take a bath and lay submerged, just wanting to hear something or feel a movement. (I haven't yet, but one day I will.)
I can't help but correlate that with my walk with God. I'm not the person who daily remembers to read their Bible and spend time in devotions. I've typed before about my many failings. As the day gets closer and closer though that Somewhere and I will become the most frequent view of Jesus Baby E has, my heart draws closer to God.
Here I am, about to be a mom. It's so scary. I've felt so far off path before, and still do sometimes. Some days get scary and I suddenly hear the silence.
I realize I want, I need, to hear His heartbeat and feel Him move stronger than I have before, more urgently.
Then He fills the room.
And it is mystical.