Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 30

This is another post that I have been putting off. Part of why I started this blog, though, wasn't to just post fluff every single day.  Sometimes, I am willing for a post to be late so I have the time to properly construct what has been on my mind.  

It is where I am determined to no longer leave all this in my mind, but, instead to share it with others.  You may criticize, rejoice or ignore.   I have no power over your reaction, so, I relieve myself of thinking I am doing this for you, and instead, I do it for me.

I've been realizing something about myself.  I don't believe in myself.  (For a Christian stand point, that's a really tricky phrase, but for the moment, please allow me to use it without jumping on it.)   I'm not saying this so I get comments about how groovy I am or intelligent or beautiful.  You are welcome to leave such comments. :-D  They are not the goal though.

I do not believe in my heart that I have worth for some reason.  I don't feel like I am good enough. I don't accept my place as a princess.  In my mind, I have his picture in my head.  I really think I could write a short story based off this... series in my head.  When I think about my place in life, instantly I go to this fantasy kingdom.   There, I am normally a warrior or a servant of some sort. You know, the bold, but quiet harsh characters in the movies that are noble but battle scarred.
 Stupid? Maybe. That's who I am though. My name even means "Christ-like Joy Warrior."  I am a Warrior of Joy by name.   I have noticed that it fits. If situations get stressful, I  fight to find the peace and calm and happiness in the moment.  I digress from this rabbit trail.

Anywho, as this warrior, when I meet with the Lord, the King, it's not a moment of acceptance and joy, but of shame.  He reminds me that I have fought long and hard and held much honor, but I don't feel it.  I look at the scars of my past, of my servitude to another lord, and that is all I see.

I do not call myself "friend."

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