Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 31

Where on earth have I been?  All over the place and nowhere.  I'm coming back.  I can say I am so much more a complete person than I have been through this entire experience.  Than I have been for the past several years.  I'll recount a little more later, but for right now, let's just say I gave in.

Darling confronted me on an issue, the issue, of my poor housekeeping.  He begged me to do better.  He told me he didn't want to live like this anymore.  Telling you that breaks my heart, and it should have broken my heart last night.

All I could do was sit there, tears pouring down my face, wishing it was breaking my heart.  I realized that where there is no heart, there is nothing to break.

 I told him that this wasn't about housework, laziness, or him.  This went so, so much deeper.  I told him I wanted to be able to promise to be better, but I couldn't.  I couldn't promise because I was nothing.   I had nothing, no drive, no will, nothing.  Just emptiness.  I know the only way to fill an empty person was with Christ.  I'm a Christian.  I have Christ.  Why would I need that? Why?  Because I have been refusing God control over my life for at least the past 4 years.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that the problems my puppy Topher has, are my problems.  She is fearful, desperate when it's feeding time because she doesn't trust that I will provide her meals, she fights me so much in training and won't let me have control and she feels the need to prove herself.

For years, that directly describes me.  God has been wooing my heart, and basically, flipping me over, asking me to just let go.  I would rather feel numb, hollow and empty than give in.  Until last night.

Last night, I finally broke.

 Suddenly, I'm alive.  I feel like an addict who has just left rehab.  I'm scared, and I don't want to forget.  As the phenomenal Nina Simone says, though,

"Freedom is mine, and I know what I mean.  
It's a new dawn. 
It's a new day. 
It's a new life, for me.  

And I'm feelin' good." 


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