Day 32

I suddenly feel so much freer.  I know that this giving in will be a process, but I have hope.

I see so many destructive habits that were my way of being rebellious and bucking the system.  I think even things like my weight, bathing (ew) and bad hair were my way of keeping control.   How? It's complicated.  I have never been able to make people love me.  This way, I could control what people thought of me.


After I prayed, with Darling, I sat and just looked around and looked at myself.   It broke my heart.  The breaking of my heart felt so, so good.  Whenever the puppies give in and let us be "alpha" (yes, we use phrases like that) they normally give a big sigh.  As I looked around, crying softly, Darling said "I think this is your sigh."

I've felt for a long time that there was something blocking me from achieving anything, something I couldn't get past.  I'm kinda torn between two things it could have been.  The number one thing, the thing that I know it was, is God was saying "Look, you have to give in to me.  You have to let me be in charge and lead."  It's just like with Topher.  There is so much I want to do with her, and so much I want her to experience.  The thing is, I can't let her until she knows I'm in charge.  I'm giving in.  I don't want to be in charge anymore.



"Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last."

Day 31

Where on earth have I been?  All over the place and nowhere.  I'm coming back.  I can say I am so much more a complete person than I have been through this entire experience.  Than I have been for the past several years.  I'll recount a little more later, but for right now, let's just say I gave in.

Darling confronted me on an issue, the issue, of my poor housekeeping.  He begged me to do better.  He told me he didn't want to live like this anymore.  Telling you that breaks my heart, and it should have broken my heart last night.

All I could do was sit there, tears pouring down my face, wishing it was breaking my heart.  I realized that where there is no heart, there is nothing to break.

 I told him that this wasn't about housework, laziness, or him.  This went so, so much deeper.  I told him I wanted to be able to promise to be better, but I couldn't.  I couldn't promise because I was nothing.   I had nothing, no drive, no will, nothing.  Just emptiness.  I know the only way to fill an empty person was with Christ.  I'm a Christian.  I have Christ.  Why would I need that? Why?  Because I have been refusing God control over my life for at least the past 4 years.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that the problems my puppy Topher has, are my problems.  She is fearful, desperate when it's feeding time because she doesn't trust that I will provide her meals, she fights me so much in training and won't let me have control and she feels the need to prove herself.

For years, that directly describes me.  God has been wooing my heart, and basically, flipping me over, asking me to just let go.  I would rather feel numb, hollow and empty than give in.  Until last night.

Last night, I finally broke.

 Suddenly, I'm alive.  I feel like an addict who has just left rehab.  I'm scared, and I don't want to forget.  As the phenomenal Nina Simone says, though,

"Freedom is mine, and I know what I mean.  

It's a new dawn. 

It's a new day. 

It's a new life, for me.  

And I'm feelin' good." 

Day 30

This is another post that I have been putting off. Part of why I started this blog, though, wasn't to just post fluff every single day.  Sometimes, I am willing for a post to be late so I have the time to properly construct what has been on my mind.  

It is where I am determined to no longer leave all this in my mind, but, instead to share it with others.  You may criticize, rejoice or ignore.   I have no power over your reaction, so, I relieve myself of thinking I am doing this for you, and instead, I do it for me.

I've been realizing something about myself.  I don't believe in myself.  (For a Christian stand point, that's a really tricky phrase, but for the moment, please allow me to use it without jumping on it.)   I'm not saying this so I get comments about how groovy I am or intelligent or beautiful.  You are welcome to leave such comments. :-D  They are not the goal though.

I do not believe in my heart that I have worth for some reason.  I don't feel like I am good enough. I don't accept my place as a princess.  In my mind, I have his picture in my head.  I really think I could write a short story based off this... series in my head.  When I think about my place in life, instantly I go to this fantasy kingdom.   There, I am normally a warrior or a servant of some sort. You know, the bold, but quiet harsh characters in the movies that are noble but battle scarred.
 Stupid? Maybe. That's who I am though. My name even means "Christ-like Joy Warrior."  I am a Warrior of Joy by name.   I have noticed that it fits. If situations get stressful, I  fight to find the peace and calm and happiness in the moment.  I digress from this rabbit trail.

Anywho, as this warrior, when I meet with the Lord, the King, it's not a moment of acceptance and joy, but of shame.  He reminds me that I have fought long and hard and held much honor, but I don't feel it.  I look at the scars of my past, of my servitude to another lord, and that is all I see.

I do not call myself "friend."

Day 29

Tonight has been really... interesting.  A couple of good friends come over.  One stayed really late as we all just sat in the living room talking.  Yes, this did result in me having two hours of sleep but I'm okay.  It was well worth it.    I was really surprised to find Hubby and, as I've jokingly called her, Wifey, gang up on me to stand up for myself.  They both expressed the feeling that I looked so much to others for what to do that I was never true to myself.

I think they are right.

Day 28

As my facebook status said, "Tired, but it's my day off, so every breath I draw is hallelujah."


It really has been a loverly day though.  The pups and I cleaned out my car a bit.  Then we just sat on the step and enjoy the weather.  I may or may not have been beating the game "Army Lines" on my phone.  Whhhaaaaaa?  It's a fun game.


Hubby and I went and got BK for lunch.  I decided to try their new iced coffee, Seattle's Best, with mocha.  Not as good as the Mocha Joe, but it was... ehh. 


I can't think of anything really profound that the day brought. 


 OO! The power went out! Yeah, for about an hour and... a half? They apparently were working on the lines, but didn't really figure it was worth giving everyone a heads up.  At dinner time.  When I was going to make ramen (not because we're poor, but because we like it) on my electric stove.   I actually was a little sad when the power did turn back on.  The quiet was so nice and the candles everywhere were so pretty.  I also didn't have internet or my phone (battery died and I couldn't find it with the lights off) so I got a good little bit done.  I'm very easily distractible.  I know, I know, shocker, right?


Mmm, all the commas in that last sentence made me think of something I've been meaning to mention.  I love commas and I love making new paragraphs when my mood changes.   Those are both bad.  I do the comma thing too much and I hate trying to remember all the rules.   I do think it looks so nice, though, when people take the time to correctly address others: "I love you, Blah."  "Thank you, Harriet."  I don't know why, I just like it.  


The whole paragraph thing... yeah.  I don't know.  I just put them when I think we have reached something that needs new attention or if my mood changes.  I think it's because I speed read, so I want the catchy stuff to, well, catch your eye.


Anywho, I love you all! 


Goodnight!

Day 27

It's another day of gorgeous weather!  I am absolutely loving this!  It's kinda like a dessert or something: "We have a delicious slab of sunshine here, swimming in a blue sky, with a light breeze and some fluffy white clouds, just for a little accent." Its been so nice to open the windows and turn off the heater for a while.  Doubly so, when you consider, just how very high our electric bill was.  Sickening.

It's the kind of day to ride on a country road, music blaring and windows down.  Which, happens to be, one of my favorite things in the world.

Okay, so maybe it's still a little cold for that... but soon! Soon!

Day 26

   My hands look miserable, for reals, y'all.   I normally have really bad hands in the winter due to them drying out and chapping.  Yeah, I know, lotion.  News flash: that doesn't always help.  Anywho, add a job where I get my hands wet a lot, and two puppies, and you have hands that look like they have been in a fight with a gang of cacti.

    Most of the really painful looking marks are from B and T. They really don't mean to most of the time, but their tiny, needle sharp claws hurt like... hurt. Lots of hurt.

   Sometimes, though, they do mean to. Like when they don't want me holding them. Especially during "I'm the boss" time.   I look at my hands, and arms, and the scratches on them and I'm reminded of Christ.  I'm not trying to be all noble.  I'm terrified that I'm going to ruin our puppies somehow.  I'm sure not bearing their sins either.  That said, tonight, after we were all calmed down, I cried a little.  I know, pathetic.  My hands hurt and I'm exhausted.  Please forgive me.  I cried.

   I realized though, how Christ was beaten and bruised, not because He did anything wrong, but because we have.    He was trying to show us grace.  He was showing us a better way.   For those hours on the cross, what did He have to show for it?  Just a bleeding mass of a body.  I'm not really sure what I think about songs that talk about Christ thinking of me on the cross, or even that really the cross was about me much at all.

   That said, when I look at my hands, my thoughts are thus:  "I can bear with this hurt, because in the future, when I have dogs that are well-behaved, trusted companions, this will be worth it."

"This will be worth it."

Maybe, just maybe, that's a tinie, tiny fraction of what Christ thought.

Day 25

I've had this blog on my mind a lot lately.  By this blog, I mean, this post.  

     The puppies are at a very impressionable age right now.  They are right at the 6-7 week period.  During this time, they are going to gain knowledge, behaviors and impressions that will stay with them their whole lives.  How crazy, and intimidating, is that?  We are constantly aware of this fact, and, like any good pawrents, we are wanting to do our very best to make this a loving, structured time for them.  Seeing as both of us normally work during the day, our nights are, understandably, full of puppy time. Sadly, puppy time doesn't always mean fun time.   Why?  Because we are the owners of two very, very strong-willed, dominant puppies.

    Hubby and I aren't so good at what their mother would have done to train them, i.e. snarling or biting. Trust me. We wish we were.   Instead, we have to use, and this sounds so cruel, "dominance training." I think parents title this "this-hurts-me-more-than-it-hurts-you."  We're trying to use non-violent, natural forms of training.  We put the puppy on it's back and hold til they calm down.  This is the exact same way Brink shows his dominance of Topher.  Once you do this, you can't let up until they stop.  It's not to hurt them in any way.  Once they start quieting, we stroke their ears and paws and tell them they are good.  Like I told Brink tonight "I love you and that's why I have to be the boss."

DISCLAIMER: We are researching constantly to make sure that our methods will not be damaging.

  The reason I've been thinking about this a lot is because I wonder, how often does God do this to us?  How often is it something so simple but we make it so hard?

Quit struggling, release, and enjoy the safety and relaxation that comes with just giving in.

Day 24

I've realized that by today I should be on day, ahem, 24. Yeah.  Sorries.

Life is finally reaching normal now that Brink and Topher have been with us a week.  My hands look like I have been in a fight with a cactus due to their needle sharp claws.  They are definitely not trying to hurt me, it just happens.  I've gotten used to getting less sleep... moreso, getting to bed earlier.

We are totally the "buy everything and freak out and worry the whole time" kind of pawrents.  We've bought "cherry bitter" and "urine cleaner".  Then what did we do?  Spent a couple bucks and bought a huge thing of vinegar.  I hope we are learning fast.  We spend hours reading blogs and books about puppies.  It's.. odd.

Oh, by the way, I talk about them all the time as well.   Like last night, Topher took a bath without much complaining at all!  Brink? He totally went to the door and asked to go outside to use the bathroom.
 "Go potty. Go potty."

Oi.

Day 23

I know, my numbers have somehow gone wonky, but for the life of me, I can't figure out where and I don't really care to bother trying anymore.  Much delight was had today as my man and I spent the day celebrating my new age.   He took me to an early dinner after spending the morning with me.  Then we came home, spent time with our pups, then went to Wal-mart to buy puppy shampoo.  I tell you.  We're ridiculous.  After dinner and bath time, we all curled up on the couch under blankets and watched the movie "Salt."  Lately I haven't been able to stay awake through an entire movie and tonight was not an exception.  What I saw of it though was good.

Here's to a happy, healthy, peaceful 24th year.  Salute.

Day 22

Today is my birthday.

I'm now 24 years old.  That puts me one year away from the date where Hubby and I will be the age of possibly thinking about starting a larger (human) family.   That's kinda a scary notion for me.  It's not that I don't like children or I've never dreamed of having my own.  I think some of it is I just have gotten used to life with just Hubby and I.    The other part is not feeling at all prepared.  Who on earth am I to mother a child?    One day.  We'll see.

I chose to not ask off on my birthday.  Instead, I opted for having off the weekend.  That way I get to spend the days at home with Hubby.  I, also, kinda like going to work on my birthday.  I'm the kind of person who likes as much attention as possible on my day of celebration.  Vain?  Probably.   It's me and I'm sticking to it.

At work, tonight, they were so lovely.   I hear them ringing people up while I'm doing dishes in the back.  My shift called me up saying she needed my help.  I was thinking, "they really aren't that busy, why do they need me to ring? Oh well."  I wasn't upset, just kinda curious.   There was no customer needing my attention, instead, it was a slice of yummy cake!  Oh, yes, there was a card and singing and hiphiphooraying but the point is, there was cake! :-)  No, really, cake wasn't the point. It was touching that they had done that.  Did I mention german chocolate cake?  I did? Oh.

Ladaisi

My good friend, in RL & on here, Ladaisi, is hosting a Etsy Gift Card Give Away!!!

Go enter! Hurry! Today is the last day!

Enter here! 

Day 20

Today is my last day as a 23 year old.  It's not really that monumental of an occasion.  It's just another age.  I've never really let age define me.  Besides, in my birth place, I'm already 24 anyway.    The only said part is I'm older than Hubby for a couple of weeks.  Yeah. I'm a craddle robber.  I know.  How lame am I?

Day two of "home alone with two."  It's been... eventful?  They are certainly a handful.  By what I'm reading online, bringing home two

Day 19

Day one of being by myself with the puppies for most of the day.  I'm utterly exhausted. I've decided they need middle names just so I can say a satisifyingly long name when I'm frustrated.  "Brink Alexander!" "Topher.... Topher!"

There's something I'm going for this year... finding, for lack of a better word, my zen.  I'm not trying to be new age.  You know those people that you meet and they just have a peacefulness?  They seem to have it together, not in like an overly organized way, but just chill and go with the flow.  Most of the people I have meet like that have lived incredible lives.  They are the kind of people who I imagine in a studio, with a bandana tied around their hair, creating art with messy medium all over them.  That's peace to me.
I guess what I'm going for is a spiritual peace that spills over into lifestyle.  Not just a peace that helps you through the moments of trouble. This peace is a calmness that overwhelms all.  I think part of it is that it's not focused on earth.  It's focused on life.

Day 18

Why have I and hubby man been so exhausted of late?  The reason is two-fold actually.

Fold number one: "Brink"

This is Hubby Man's big boy.  

Fold number two: "Topher"

This is my baby girl.

They really are the sweetest pair.  They're going to be 6 weeks old Sunday.  They are German Shepherd Rottweilers.  

Brink is very much the "man."  Hubby and I are working with him a lot to show that we are the boss, and not Brink.  

Topher has the cutest tongue.  The tip of it always sticks out because her tongue is too big for her mouth. It's so stinkin' cute!

They've been waking me up between 5 and 6 AM.  Mom (me) says that's not gonna be what time she gets up and they go back to sleep til 7:30.  Needless to say, J and I have been looking at each other saying "sleepy time?" around 10... ish.   They been in our lives since last Saturday.  I've had all these grand ideas about how to announce them.  I wanted you guys here to hear it first.  Let's be real though, with these two, this is as flashy of an announcement as I am going to make.  

:-)   

Day 17

Today was a good day. I took care of stuff around the house, went on an errant (suppose to be useful but you forget an important element), came back home then went shopping. I cheated on Starbucks and got the oh-so requested "caramel mocha". Nasty. Blech. Gross.

Then I came home and hubby came home. We tackled the nights challenges as a team. Let me just say, I love that man. He is the Mac to my Cheese. I love his hugs. I love the way he comes up behind me, while I'm doing dishes, and kisses my neck. I love how we're yin and yang in moods, always flipping to the opposite of the other. I love his commitment to doing hard things now so stuff can be easier later. And I love how he's patiently waiting for me while I type this. I love him.

Day 16 for real

A blessing is a new tradition at our family birthday parties. Every month or sometime twice a month, the families get together to celebrate a birthday. There are some neat traditions, such as getting to pick the theme for the meal and "slappin' bones." the blessing is the latest tradition. Before or after presents, while we are all sitting in a circle, we each take a turn saying what about the honored guest blesses us. It's kinda awkward when you are the person sitting there receiving the blessing but so far it's been fun. It pushes you past family teasing and presents and reminds us to value those in our family and to go beyond that and actually tell them. Lately, life has given many reminders that those opportunites should be taking because you don't known when they might be your last.

I know people always say corny things like this, but for real, please tell those in your life you love them and why.

 Also, leave a comment and let me know a family tradition your family has.

Day 16

Yes, I know, I missed two days... I'm so, so very sorry.

I'm going to be actually posting tonight but I wanted to say sorry.  My life has gotten a lot busier lately.

Day 15

Well... today has been a busy day.

Why?

Not telling.  I will be making that surprise known tomorrow.

That's all.

:-)

Day 14

*disclaimer: I did write this last night. Being tired, I previewed instead of posting. :p Sorry.


Tired. Definitely feeling the tired tonight.

Thinking about life, the excitement tomorrow will bring, friendships and their complexity. Stuff.

We were talking earlier about people such as Pistol Pete. People who seemed to go before their full potential. It's funny to me that Christ was ten years older than me, give or take, when he was crucified. Strange. It reminds me of the Great Divorce where a man says who know what the gospel would be like if Christ had actually reached his full maturity. What a silly notion.

Sleep calls. Night dearies!

Day...13?

"Free at last, free at last.  Thank God Almighty, I am free at last."

One of my favorite parts on the DC Talk "Jesus Freaks" album was at the ending of a song.  They put this sweet, soulful version of "Free at last" in there just tucked in at the end.  For some reason, whenever I think of freedom, either in Christ, or in other matters (yes, such as my hair) this piece pops in my head.  

Tonight, after having a strange, but really good day, I was doodling on my arm.  I drew a butterfly and then underneath I wrote "free at last."  I'm pretty fickle so I don't know that I will ever get a tattoo, but if I did, it might be in the running.   

 This tattoo would be cool for a couple reasons.  First, just like a butterfly, we all have to go through the transformation process to reach our end purpose.  Second, sometimes from the most common looking thing, a work of wonder can arise.  Third, it makes me think of another favorite song of mine "Feeling Good" by the amazing Nina Simone.   This is completely a song that transports me, and suddenly, I'll feel an overwhelming sense of freedom listening to that one.

What songs give you a sense of freedom, wonder, delight, or saddness?


Like the a leaf on the wind, my brain flits all over.  I hope you can keep up... or at least find something shiny to look at while I'm drifting.

*Yep... faded a bit... showered.  Sorry for bathing.

Day 12

What to talk about today... hmmm.

  I don't know.  I think today has kinda been about little moments.

• Goofy moments of laughter with partners at work, both old and new 
• My dad pumping $5 extra dollars of gas in my car. 
• Sitting down with a gentleman at work talking about his blog and his time at war.
• Reconciliation.  
• A kind word from someone.  
• Walking through Wal-Mart talking to my husband.  
• A warm hot shower.  
• Quiet moments of prayer in my car.

Moments like these fill our days.   Now I'm pondering just how often I let them drift by, not really taking the time or effort, to count them up.

Make a list, or just think for a minute... what moments have you had today?

Day 11

Where is my drive? What are my dreams?  Surely, there has to be more to life than just watching tv on my day off, right?


I wish I was one of those driven people.  The kind who get buku (or beaucoup, or Bookoo, or however you want to spell it) amounts of things done, have the house nicely decorated and are free to be creative.  Yeah, I know, no one is perfect, but what I really want to go for is... a semi-normal amount of organization and purpose to my day.  I don't want to be normal.  Just a little more... responsible.


What are my dreams? Without dreams, what's the point of having drive, right? (Yes.  I know.  I ask a lot of questions when I blog.)   


My dreams... 


I want to open a, well, something.  I would like to serve coffee, perhaps run a cafe during the day, have study rooms, a screen printing press in the basement, space for musicians, a little shop, annnnnd plenty of security so parents can feel safe having their kids hang out there.


I want to have a gallery opening featuring my works.  I would like to exploit my talents for money.  Heh.  No, not really, but I would like to be able to actually make a little money with my art.  If that's a bad thing, I'm sorry, but its true.  All that aside, I'd be happy to be able to share the gift of art with people, and it wouldn't have to be for money. :-p


I want to start designing my own clothes and jewelry.  I am sick of looking through rack after rack, and I'd rather just make clothing exactly like I want.


I want to have a sick, tight body.  For real. I want to be that smoking hot woman.  See, I hate the idea that you get married and then you get fat.  Okay, so I did, but that's not the point.  I want guys to look at Josh and see the gorgeous woman beside him and realize there is something to this marriage thing.


Aside from traveling the world, I think that's pretty much it right now.  I want to look back on my life, nay, my day, and have peace that as God said at the end of the days of creation, it was good.