Thursday, October 18, 2012


Today and yesterday have been rough days.

I hate admitting the bad days.  I feel like I feel the thoughts of the people reading or hearing this. That they think "Oh finally. See, she's not okay.  She's finally cracking.  I knew she couldn't be handling this as well as she claims."
I said I would blog this journey honestly.  I won't sugar coat the bad days and pretend they don't happen.  I want this to be a blog that could one day perhaps help someone through this.  Making it seem like I never related to the bad moment isn't a way to do that.  I've never lied.  I've never pretended.  For the most part, considering it's almost at three weeks since home, I'm doing fairly well. I think. I honestly have felt really strong peace.  I have strength in me I didn't know was there.  I am "olden-ed" by this.

For me, this is what a bad day is:
I am tired, all the time.
Anything or nothing can send me to tears.
Praying to not have to say goodbye again anytime soon.
I am snappy.
I just want to have an excuse to punch someone.
I also want to just live in Somewhere's arms.
I don't want to talk or text.

I was analyzing it to Somewhere earlier.  I think my mind and heart have just reach the point where they say, that's it.  We've held back what we can.  We'll hold what we have, but, we can't do a lot more than that right now.  It's keeping your heart together is as much as you can do.  Dealing socially with people is a bit more mental taxation than you have in you at the moment.  I have had a harder time the past two days dealing with others' problems or even jokes.  I just can't. deal.  Not right now.

I feel like admitting this is going to send you guys running for a label.  I'm not headed for depression.  Physically, my hormones are trying to level. My heart is trying to level.

I want to curl in Somewhere's arms.
I want to sleep.
I want to watch stars.
I want a campfire on a beach.
I want to be alone (with Somewhere) and get away.
I want to lose myself in music that lets me mourn.
I want to let myself hurt.
I want to melt and pour out.

Life calls though. It asks me not to slip too far away.  It wants me to work. It wants me to be human. It reminds me to stay just busy enough.

Don't be scared for me.  I will be me again.  I'll be a different me. I will heal, with a beautiful scar to remind me that there is a plan I can't see.

I just have to go through a bad day or two.
I will make it through this.
As a friend reminded me, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.

 Capt. Mal: You think she'll hold together? 
Zoe: She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true. 
 Capt. Mal: Could be bumpy. 
: Zoe: Always is. 
"Serenity" 2005

1 comment:

  1. You know, just after all this happened, when your body was SO tired and hurting, you said, " I will get through the physical healing and then deal with the emotional healing...I can't do both at once," Perhaps you have reached that point now, and that is right and okay and normal and God's timing for you. I am proud of you, for your strength AND your weakness. Both have their purpose and place in the healing along this journey. You are so loved, my sweet daughter. Fall into the arms of Jesus, Somewhere, the puppies, your many friends...and you are welcome in mine and daddy's anytime you need it, too. <3


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