Monday, October 1, 2012

A Long Goodbye

This week has been one of the longest goodbyes of my life.

 If you dare post a single judgemental word on this post, leave the page and do not hit comment. There is no time or place for that.

I hadn't posted on here about it yet, not really sure why, but Somewhere and I found out Aug. 19th that we were indeed pregnant. I couldn't wrap my mind around it and couldn't wait to tell my family.

Right now, it is impossible to delve into all the emotions I felt.

I got the books, smiled, held my hand over my stomach for no reason other than to feel closer. I was never terribly sick, just weary and dizzy.  I stopped drinking coffee (often), I ate hummus like it was the last pack on earth, I muched ginger, heated lunch meat and thought froot loops were incredible.  I daydreamed about tan toes slipping into colorful booties. I wrote a journal, full of my goals for being a mother and what gender we thought she was. (Can you tell my guess?)

I had moments of fear. I had times of prayer where I would beg God to let me pray more than that my sweetheart would be safe and have His arms around them.  That scared me because I wanted my arms around them.  Being a bit of a pessimist though, I fought the fear and released trust to my precious Savior.  I do not regret that for a moment. I don't want to place fear in anyone's heart that trust is ever misplaced in Jesus. In this case, in love, He was preparing me.

I laughed inside when people thought the ideas of twins would scare me. When I wasn't scared, they would jump the number to triplets. In my heart, I had a feeling they weren't wrong with the first
guess.

I went on a trip to visit some dear sistas last weekend. We had fun and they treated me like a frail princess and I loved it.

Sunday I didn't feel totally okay, but, I thought I knew the causes and was relaxed. That evening I went to the ER, and after 11 hours, went back to the house with the diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage. I was 7 and half hours from my Love and a horrid cocktail of anguish and hope. My one happy thought, other than "this isn't over for sure" was this: I was pregnant with twins.  For some reason, that filled me with joy.

Monday, I finally got home and in the arms of my husband. We talked and cried and prayed. We prepared for the worst and hoped for the best.

Tuesday morning, my doctor said it was still a maybe and that she wasn't throwing in the towel. I was to come see her Wednesday. We called Somewhere's parents that evening and told my parents in our living room, along with my grandparents, who already knew. Somewhere had needed an ear as he anxiously awaited my arrival home.

Wednesday's appointment went as well as it could and we went home with very cautious hope. Perhaps this wasn't the end.

Wednesday night went very bad.
I knew it was over and my sweet babies were gone. My heart was broken, my body empty. I clung to Jesus, pleading for strength and wisdom.

We called the doctor above mine and he said as long as I didn't move into physical danger, to wait until morning to come in. I went in and all seemed normal for what I had been through. I thought it was at least over. My body could rest. While my soul was torn, my body was receiving relief.  My mom slept on the couch across from me, watching me through the night. (What would I do without her to rub my face when I am sick? Or Somewhere to hold me and say "Its okay babe, I know" when I cry for what seems like no reason.)

I was wrong about where I was bodily.

Thursday night, things went even worse. I cried and sobbed out not wanting to go back to the hospital to my mom. Then the moment hit where that wasn't an option. I was going. I said "call them. I have to go in." I have rarely been so happy as when I saw the EMTs.  Somewhere followed, arriving at the hospital before us actually.  I asked to see him. He was in shock. I held his hand and reassured him that I was in good hands.  He went back out with his mom, who came down with his dad, to be with us. Thank God for family.

Just about every step you can put a miscarrying woman through, I walked.  I'm not complaining. I was heavily drugged most of the time. I was under very watchful eyes that were doing the best they could for me.
I slept. I cried. I prayed. I smiled at my husband. I held hands. I was wrapped in love.

Finally, Friday afternoon, I was sent in for a d&c. I won't go into details.  Most people say it is hell.  It was such a wonderful gift for me.  I wouldn't have made it safely without it. I slept straight through it.  My sleep dr, as I called her, shared that she had been there five times and now had a beautiful daughter. Then gave me a drug to "make me not care." I told her thank you.


I awoke to family and a feeling of peace.

A peace.

I know some people think God is a crutch.

 I can honestly say, I have no idea how I would be here, emotionally and physically, without Him. It's not a promise of seeing my babies one day, because I don't even know that I will know them there. It's not a belief in a greater plan. It's not any cliche.

It simply is.  He is.

As Joel Goddard would say, I can no sooner explain it than to tell you what strawberries taste like.



33 comments:

  1. My darling Didge...walking through this with you has been one of the most difficult things in my life. The helplessness to take away the pain and heartache...the only thing I could offer was being there and praying and still it didn't seem enough. Because only Jesus is enough. As you said, He is. I pray in those moments when you cry and grieve that you always come back to that reality...He is. I love you. Your life brings me great joy and I am so blessed to be your mom.

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    1. Thank you momma. I love you. I can never thank you for all you did and do.

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  2. Love you Christa Joy. Thank you for sharing xxx

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  3. Amanda Smithie RodriguezOctober 1, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    I love you and if you are anything IT IS A STRONG WOMAN ! It is not easy for a woman to say those precious words you said. I know God has a plan for you and I am here for you if you ever may need me LOVE YOU!

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    1. Thank you. I trust Him to have this. I really appreciate all your encouragement.

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  4. You have such strength and such a loving family. This is just a bump in the road, for one day you and your hubby will be surrounded by your many children and loving every second of it. I wish I could be there to hug you and make you laugh when you need it. Take care of yourself, and take time to heal. I will send you all the love and good vibes I have. <3

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  5. Friend, Sister, Mother,
    Your words are honest, your faith is firm. I cry with you, trust with you, taste the strawberries with you. Indeed, He is.
    Love you so much.
    S

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  6. My, but you have grown into such a strong and loving woman of God. I have cried daily since Wednesday, for my niece Christa Joy and my nephew Josh as you both are going through such pain, for my baby niece and nephew in Heaven with Jesus, and for our family who are all so grateful to our God that you are going to be OK.
    I love your both,
    Aunt Barbara and Uncle Chuck as well!

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    1. Thank you, Aunt Barbara, your words, on here and in your message have been a great comfort to me. We love you both!

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  7. So glad to hear that you have that peace that can only come from above. Praying for you, Christa. xo.

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  8. oh sweet sister, i have cried for you and will continue to hurt for you and pray with you through this. but your faith in our Jesus is a beautiful testament, and my only gladness in this is that He's got you.

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    1. I love that, Elizabeth! HE does indeed have her...

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    2. My dear friend, you are in my prayers often. I miss you muchly.

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  9. What sweet words that can only come from knowing our heavenly Father. What a testament to what our Lord can do in us and through us.

    Much love,
    Lisa Q

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  10. Your words are filled with strength and dignity. Your faith is infectious and know that the Lord looks upon that with proud and loving eyes. You are in my prayers. Miss you, sweet girl.

    --love--

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  11. WOW- you are an amazing woman of God and I am so proud to call you my friend!

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    1. I am blessed to call you mine. :)

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  12. Christa, I am so glad to know that you are allowing the Lord to comfort you during a time of such despair. Everyone experiences miscarriage in a different way. I never like to say "I know how you feel," because truly I don't. But, I will say that I have walked this road before loosing my twins at 7 weeks (baby A) and 10 weeks (baby B) in 2007. It was the hardest thing ever. I completely changed my feelings about children. In a good way I think. If you ever want to talk, I am here. Blessings on you, Laura Hamby (Ashlyn's mom)

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    1. Thank you so much. I am sorry for your loss.

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  13. My Siamese Twin, it has pained me deeply knowing all this was going on & to think that you would have to endure something so breaking. But the Holy Spirit filled me with the assuring prayer of his total presence with you. I saw him engulfing you in the most overwhelming embrace mourning with you.He mourns with those who mourn & laughs with those who laugh.

    & It also brings me such sobering tears of joy the see you cling to him. So many people walk away, but I am brought closer to him through seeing that he is relentlessly good you and will not let you be plucked from his hand.

    To mourn with you & rejoice in time, it sobers me that even though we have been apart, our hearts are still Siamese :p

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    1. How I love you twin. You are beautiful.

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  14. Dearest sweetest Christa Joy,

    I am so proud of you and I love you so much! You have always been so special to me; and I'm truly heartbroken for you guys. Miscarriage an awful thing, we've been there. To see how you are clinging to Jesus and you have that peace that only He can give is such an overwhelming and beautiful picture of God's love and your faith. I pray that God just continues to wrap you up in His love and grace. <3

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  15. Ah Christa, Your words are courageous, gut-wrenching and inspiring. You and Josh have not left my heart and prayers over the past days. I love you. Martha

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    1. Thank you, Aunt Martha. We really appreciated that card you sent. :) We love you.

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  16. I finally had the thought "I think I can read this now". And I have at 5am before going to sleep. And have cried. And wished. And hoped. But mostly cried. I didn't realize how hurt I still am. I've been trying not to think about it all too much. I've been distracting myself with tv, video games, web coding, and prop fabrication. Because of that, I couldn't see that I really haven't dealt with much at all.

    It still sucks. Bad.

    We will get through, but it still hurts. I am glad for our close family and friends... and our two wonderful/annoying dogs. They have helped so much.

    Someday (hopefully soon) we can become ready to have children. My heart hurts not being able to share Star Wars and magic tricks with these. To see their faces light up when a quarter disappears and comes out of their ear. To hear them say, "Do it again daddy!" To see their faces when they find out that Darth Vader is Luke's father. I will get to share this with others, but not these.

    Someday.

    -Somewhere

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  17. Beautifully written dear friend.
    My heart breaks for you & Somewhere knowing the pain (physical & emotional) of miscarriage.
    While you only carried those precious angels for a short while, you will forever carrying them in your heart.
    I wish I could hug you tight. I wish I could take your pain.
    But your trust rests in the best place - our Beloved Savior. Who has already bore our suffering.

    I'm always here for you dear friend.

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