I really love the artist P!nk. She is a secular artist, so she isn't for everyone. Personally, I'm a big fan.
Physically, she inspires me. I haven't felt up to it yet this week, but, next week, work out starts. It's time for a healthier Didge. I was talking to Somewhere about it and I said "you know, it's not just that I want to look good. I do want to get in shape and add to my confidence about my body. It's that I was just in the hospital for something I couldn't prevent. I want to make sure I do my part to not end up there for something I could prevent."
Body wise, I don't hate myself.
One of my regrets, being honest, was that I hadn't lost my baby weight when I got pregnant. I wanted to be in the best shape possible. I wasn't. (And no, that didn't contribute, to my knowledge, to our miscarriage.) That doesn't mean I don't feel beautiful. I know improvements can be made but that doesn't make me ugly. As Da Vinci said, "Art is never finished, only abandoned." I think beauty is the same way. Just because it's not left alone yet, that doesn't mean it isn't art.
All that said. Didge is getting in better shape.
P!nk's newest song "Try", which has amazing fight dancing in it, has some lyrics that have gotten stuck in my mind.
"Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try"
Ain't that the truth.
It makes me think about how fire purifies gold. Pain isn't always bad... and it isn't without it's necessity. Pain physically tells you when something needs attention or help. I think it's the same for our soul.
On another note: today I was thinking at work about how I'm never without the thought of what happened. It was an odd thought.
It literally hasn't left my mind in two and a half weeks. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I feel it's presence constantly, a nagging awareness in the back of my mind. I don't want to forget, that's not my goal. I just know one day, they won't be at the front of the back of my mind. It's like I'm carrying so much in my carrying nothing.
It is amazing how heavy a burden nothingness can be.