My Hearts - Explained

I was looking through my saved/locked texts.  Yeah, my phone is that old that I have to lock text so I don't lose them when I frequently have to clear my inbox.  I had a text I saved from my brother.  Now he's the Costume Design Head (? Not sure his title) at his alma mater's theater department.  You need the context.

"Do you have the ability to measure a few parts of yourself right now?"

He was really just referring to the ability to take physical measurements.  Given the timing, this was a mere two days after I got home from the hospital, I instantly was hit by the wording.  That was one of the exact questions I had been asking myself.  And then, the answer was no.  Now I'm more prepared.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life.  What are some of the desires of my heart?

My mine desire is to glorify God.  

I believe God give us tons of other desires though, and those desires lead to the culmination of that most important of desires.

I'm going to kind of delve into my heart... and just like the sweethearts have a room, my different loves have different rooms in my heart.  I shall from now on refer to them as my hearts.  It's just simpler for me that way.  I feel the need to measure a few parts and find what makes up the whole.

I hope you'll join me.

:)

Gifts I've Been Given: 

#1: Words.

.A day for magic. (Partially written two days ago.)

Today is one of those days where you're just a bit bored of it all.

I went over to my grandparents this morning, just hanging out and working around the house.  I came home and I wanted to play DA2, but, the Xbox was occupied.  Thus, I did what any sane person would do.   I cleaned the living room and organized all my magazines.  Doesn't everyone do that when they can't play?
Now I'm just bored.

I'd love a day without all the things only adults worry about.  I'm disenchanted with dealing with bills, cleaning, silly humans, jealousy (on my part), clocks, mirrors, and responsibilities of really any kind.  Is anyone really enchanted with any of that? Well no, but that's not my point.

It's a day I wish my vices weren't just that, vices.
I'm in the mood for copious amounts of sugar, dark, dark chocolate, whiskey (let's not get into everyone's views on alcohol), and smoking under comfy blankets on the back porch.
Again, I merely said I'm in the mood for those.  All of those are vices of mine, things I desire.  Okay, dark chocolate isn't a vice, but it went with the rest.

More than anything, I simply want to be carefree for a while.  That's not really a bad thing.
The problem is when, as I used to be, I go to those things for comfort when they don't offer lasting comfort.  They don't fix problems long-term, in fact, a couple, (sugar, my face is looking at you) cause more problems then they are worth.

This isn't really a profound post.  Just thinking out loud.  The obvious profound message would be about Christ being the fulfillment of all our desires.  That is true. As C.S. Lewis puts it:

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”― C.S. Lewis

(2 days later)

I was in fact talking to a friend about the above tonight.  How just a few months ago, I went through the lesson of God being my number one source of satisfaction for my desire for love.  He, before all, including Somewhere, is my source of that need-meet.

I feel like I candy-coat my faith.  I hope I convey that these lessons were not easy. They included heartbreak, tears, angry yelling in prayer, not really at God but just at it all, and much pain.  I don't skip through life, giggling at butterflies and la-di-dahing how awesome my Savior is.  This faith of mine is hard-fought, fraught with my failures, dirty, real and alive.  It is God come to Earth.  It is Heaven in dust.  It is glorious.

The Room

I've been thinking a lot about my heart.

This past week I've been really busy, with work and art for a ladies retreat.  I have had gloriously messy  hands at least three times.  That is a good, good things.  Put a messy medium in my hands and let me create and I'm happy.  Remind me to tell you about my daydreams.

Since my time has been so full, I haven't had as much time to think about anything else, including the sweethearts.    I was musing on that fact the other day and I was struck with a visual.

Picture my heart as a house.  When I found out I was pregnant, my heart was full.  Sunshine and laughter filled every corner.  It was like sitting outside, soft, warm summer sunshine bathing in the green of the leaves on trees surrounding you. It was magical.  Every one of those special "momma smiles" seem to hang on the walls, like so many portraits.  Friends and family are welcomed in, each leaving a note or present.  Even so, there is really only your husband and you and them. You hold them, dance with them and try not to fear over what you will never be able to control.

And then it's different.  The rooms get grey-ier. All hope isn't gone, the colors just change. Laughter drifts out.  You find fingerprints on windows, but can't find the hands.  Its like when you walk in a room that was filled with people and now is suddenly empty and you laugh nervously, wondering what the joke is and when everyone will come pouring back in.

That all slowly changes. The glitter returns. You feel the absence, but it's not as strong.  You look around and notice a room.  Somehow, at some point, you've moved them there.

 I can't pinpoint when it happened.

I can still walk in the room and catch a whiff of sunshine, a touch of warmth.   There's a blanket, giggling and Amelia Bedelia books.  It's just now, they are in there for the most part, where I can visit without being overwhelmed.

I'll still step on the emotional lego from time to time.  That's okay though.  Just because it hurts, that doesn't mean it's bad.

You Gave Up Everything

River: I remember everything. 

I remember too much. 

And some of it's made up, 

and some of it can't be quantified, 

and there's secrets, and...

Simon: Hey, i-it's okay. 

River: But, I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. 

You found me broken. It's hard for you. You gave up everything you had. 

Simon: Mei-mei, everything I have is right here.

You know, you can argue with me about how Jesus came for God's glory to be made great.  He did. This is truth.  You can talk me to death about theology. I find it has a place and I am not shooshooing it. 

There is something in this quote that screams Jesus to me ever since I was reminded of it the other day. 

He gave up his heavenly throne to walk the earth, God in dust, and instead picked up tools, bread and wooden death. He did so much and when he found me, He found me, us, broken. So broken.  He found His Beloved, His Bride.  She is broken, bruise and beaten down.  I've pictured it before, can I even look in his eyes? Me, who ran away as I was born. Can I even meet his eyes or do I look at them in blatant arrogance. No, it is shame. 

And He found me beautiful.

Just a thought. 

Passions Series {Food}

Food. 

     I love cooking.  I love the way a good dish can pull people together.  I love hearing my husband say his dinner was good.  I love the moment when the flavors blend, the reduction is perfect, the meat is just juicy but fully done, the way that the right foods can be so delicious but so pure and good for you.  Ilovecooking.  There is definitely something humbling in kneading bread.  There is magic in the smell of onions and butter cooking together. There is simplicity in the sweetness of a strawberry.

     If you read the Bible, there is much said about food.  I could google and probably find an exact count of just how many verses deal with food, but I'll refrain.  Solomon tells us to "Eat, drink and be merry!"  Jesus said He is the "Bread of Life."  A birthright was the cost of a bowl of stew.  A woman used milk to lure a king into a sleep so she could kill him.   The Israelites had many rules based around food.  God used those same rules to show Peter that Gentiles were precious to Him as well as Jews. 

Meals are gathering places, they are social events.  They are necessary for life, for health.  They also can bring death and sickness.  There is so much knowledge to be gained from the lessons of food.

I know this is a passion because I can talk about it for hours.  My grandfather and I go walking, (like sweaty, uphill/downhill training walking) three times a week.  We spend a good half discussing food. :p

Food is something I love, but if I was called to a life where all I would eat was rice, I would like to say I could do it.



                                             The Beginning of the Passions Series

{origin}