Monday, July 8, 2013



Josh and I are so excited and surprised! We really thought we were having a boy. We are in no way, at all, disappointed, just very surprised. I kept looking at him through out the day saying “we're having a girl!?” We already have a pretty solid idea of our girl's name, but it's not a sure thing yet. We want to leave room for God to lead us if the name is not the right one for her.

She is so strong already! I thought for weeks that I just was having some trouble with my stomach because of a “popping” sensation I would get. Well, as I was having my ultrasound, the tech looked at me and said “Do you feel her kicking? 'Cause I sure do, so I know you have to be feeling those!” I definitely was, and wouldn't you know, it was that not so subtle popping feeling I had been having. It was amazing to watch her kick on the screen and feel it at the same time. She has a good, strong heartbeat and everything is right on target with her development.

We went from the elation of hearing all that good news to “there's something I do want to check on though. You looked a little short in your cervix.”

Say what.
No, you just told me everything looked perfect.
I heard her heartbeat.
She's perfect.
Nothing is wrong.

All those things are true... about her. Not me.

I've been on bed rest since then with a “incompetent cervix.” (Basically, my gate was looking like it wanted to be open and given that I was 20 weeks, almost 21, at the time, that's not good.) Thankfully, this is a condition they know well and they have options for how to work with it.

That day turned whirlwind fast as they looked then had me wait in the waiting area, I spoke to a couple people and then went home unable to speak to the doctor because he was in a procedure.

We were a bit messy, unsure how to feel. We had just received some of the best news and some truly frustrating news. I felt like a car window with my button in the hands of a hyper 5 year old. You guys know what I'm talking about... “updown..upppp, down, udowp!”

We promised an announcement that afternoon and people were chomping at the bit for it. And they were right to. We had brilliantly, wonderful news! Fantastic! It's a girl! Yay!

From happy to confused.
From elation to desperation.
From praise to petition.
Then back again.

And I had the words from the day before ringing in my head. Now is when the choice came. What would I choose? Would I praise?

Yes. There is still so much good right now. So much hope. Why would I despair? That won't help a thing. It's like I told someone earlier, it would be easy to get mad at God. It would be easy to say “seriously, why me?!” Do the hard thing. Embrace the joy.

There is a beautiful, healthy little girl growing right now! I feel more and more connected with her every day.

I write a journal to our little lady. Now, I'm nearly as bad to write in that as I am to post a blog, but I'm working on it!

I write to her, reminding her of how important trust in Jesus is. Of how excited we are to see her when the time is right. I tell her of the dreams I have for her. I try to think of what I would want her to know as a young adult if say, I hope this isn't the case, I am not there when she's a teenager, a college student, a new wife, a new mom, or perhaps a person truly meant for single life.

These entries, these words on the pages of notebook, are my connection to her.

Be still my heart, I just realized how like the Bible that is.
Do not cry “blasphemy!”

These are the things I want and need her to know to know me. To know Jesus. To be able to hear my voice when perhaps she can't audibly in the moment she reads it.

They are my heart, from me to her. 
::hums "with love, from me, to you..."::

{“From” is the second word in the new three part blog title, that I promise! I promise is coming!
 Trust me. I have nothing but time right now to work on it.
Here's the link to the first part "Glitter"}

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