Monday, November 19, 2012

thief.

This week was emotional.  I had been nice and mellow for a while and this week was not mellow. :) I could cry at the drop of a hat over anything.  Honestly.  I dropped a hat and cried.  Okay, not really.  So not honestly.

It was only makeup that saved me from being a blubbering mess at the Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm really hesitant to write this part because of the effect it might have on people around me.  As in, on them being around me.

Tonight, I found out someone is pregnant.  I am good friends with this person so I was thrilled for them.  I really, truly, madly, deeply was.

I also wanted to cry though.
I've been good with announcements until this week.  This week, they have brought tears to my eyes.  It's one of the side effects of pregnancy loss. (While I don't believe I 'lost', this is the title people relate with the most.)   Thankfully, I had done some intense eye makeup and I could hold it together thinking "well, you don't want to be a runny mess, O dummy of Not Wearing Waterproof." Sounds shallow, I know, who would place vanity against mourning pain, but, sometimes you do what you have to do.

I remember being on the other side of it.  I remember not knowing how the news of my pregnancy would affect (or effect? I still don't understand the correct usage) my friends who had gone through miscarriage or infertility.  I wanted to share my joy and, at the same time, not add pain. It's such a tricky, tricky balance.

It seems so selfish too.  How dare my pain diminish your joy.  Please don't view it like that.

You see, it was the taking of joy that broke my heart over and over and over and over again through this.  One of my main thoughts at the beginning of miscarrying after thoughts of Somewhere were "how can I tell my mom? How can I take this from her?"  I felt like a joy thief.  I felt like I was ripping away something precious and beautiful.  I was a destroyer.

I know it wasn't me.  If I had a choice, I wouldn't.  That isn't how it feels though.

The thing that kills me the most, that cuts my heart to shreds is remembering the joy.
My mother's happy screams at the news, my grandfather musing on "having a baby around the house again," my sweet young friend who would talk to Fruit Loop every time she saw me, and had told her parents she was going to be an aunt. (She quickly had to clarify she wasn't saying one of her sisters were pregnant.)  All I could think sometimes was "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so, so sorry."

There isn't words for being the carrier of such a knife.

The happiness from others gets replaced with awkwardness, sadness and worst of all, fear.
I feel like a death omen. Like everything a pregnant woman wouldn't want to think about.  That is a hard thing, I mean my name literally means joy. So many people call me "Joyful" as a nickname.

And that is what I am.  My joy doesn't come only from happiness.  It is from contentment and peace in knowing my Savior. To be known.  I may be sad, but, my joy is not gone.  My youngest brother reminded me, when talking about how an artist had sign something to a fan, loosely quoting here: "Life [really] sucks right now. But John 10:10."

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. i come that they may have life and have it adundantly." 
{john 10:10 esv}

I am a follower of the God whose goal is life and life abundant.  I cling to that.

Therefore, while I totally understand the awkwardness, please don't be afraid of your joy.  Don't block us out of the joy out of fear.  I may cry, but know, it will not be tears of pain alone. It will be tears of great rejoicing.  I don't want to be the taker of joy anymore.

I love your joy.




8 comments:

  1. Christa, I can totally relate to what you mean by feeling joy for others and pain over your loss. I struggled with infertility to become pregnant with the babies that I lost and then continued to struggle some more when trying again. It was so hard to hear the news of a friend's pregnancy. It also made me aware that it could happen to anyone and that I always needed to be ready to hear the news of loss from a dear friend. To be ready to have the words she needed to hear. I also have a friend who shared my due date. Every time I see her son I have the "what if" thoughts. It certainly is a mixed bag of emotions when you are still grieving your babies and also wanting to celebrate the gift of a friend. I'm praying that God will give you peace and assurance that in His time you will receive His precious gift of becoming a mama!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Laura. You've been a great encouragement to me. I hope one day I can help others as you've helped me.

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  2. This is so well put. So well. Your heart in words, on screen, and in person has continued to exude joy . . . even in pain. You are exquisite, my friend. I love you.l

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  3. You could not have said it any better! You have the right to feel remorse in having your babies taken so quickly from you. Although, I have never experienced this same pain, I do know what instantaneous love is. I know the overwhelming desire to protect the unseen. I have felt as if my very being might crumple. No one expects anything from you but you to stay true to yourself and to God. Of course, you are expected to wear waterproof mascara!
    Sherry Canterbury

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    1. Hah, Sherry, you light up my world. :) Thank you. I'll get right on that waterproof mascara.

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  4. I've started to respond to this several times...but my words don't seem right. You are never a taker of joy for us!!!! Ever! Your dad and I often comment that you bring so much joy to our lives and to so many others...to the world actually! Even in the midst of the breaking of sorrowful news and all the events that ensued...you brought us joy with your attitude and your precious heart. We are so thankful to Jesus for you...your walk, your life, your love...YOU, everything that is YOU! I love you, precious daughter.

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    1. Thank you, Mom. I love you too. :)

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Give a smile. :)