From

                

Josh and I are so excited and surprised! We really thought we were having a boy. We are in no way, at all, disappointed, just very surprised. I kept looking at him through out the day saying “we're having a girl!?” We already have a pretty solid idea of our girl's name, but it's not a sure thing yet. We want to leave room for God to lead us if the name is not the right one for her.

She is so strong already! I thought for weeks that I just was having some trouble with my stomach because of a “popping” sensation I would get. Well, as I was having my ultrasound, the tech looked at me and said “Do you feel her kicking? 'Cause I sure do, so I know you have to be feeling those!” I definitely was, and wouldn't you know, it was that not so subtle popping feeling I had been having. It was amazing to watch her kick on the screen and feel it at the same time. She has a good, strong heartbeat and everything is right on target with her development.

We went from the elation of hearing all that good news to “there's something I do want to check on though. You looked a little short in your cervix.”

Say what.

No, you just told me everything looked perfect.

I heard her heartbeat.

She's perfect.

Nothing is wrong.

All those things are true... about her. Not me.

I've been on bed rest since then with a “incompetent cervix.” (Basically, my gate was looking like it wanted to be open and given that I was 20 weeks, almost 21, at the time, that's not good.) Thankfully, this is a condition they know well and they have options for how to work with it.

That day turned whirlwind fast as they looked then had me wait in the waiting area, I spoke to a couple people and then went home unable to speak to the doctor because he was in a procedure.

We were a bit messy, unsure how to feel. We had just received some of the best news and some truly frustrating news. I felt like a car window with my button in the hands of a hyper 5 year old. You guys know what I'm talking about... “updown..upppp, down, udowp!”

We promised an announcement that afternoon and people were chomping at the bit for it. And they were right to. We had brilliantly, wonderful news! Fantastic! It's a girl! Yay!

From happy to confused.

From elation to desperation.

From praise to petition.

Then back again.

And I had the words from the day before ringing in my head. Now is when the choice came. What would I choose? Would I praise?

Yes. There is still so much good right now. So much hope. Why would I despair? That won't help a thing. It's like I told someone earlier, it would be easy to get mad at God. It would be easy to say “seriously, why me?!” Do the hard thing. Embrace the joy.

There is a beautiful, healthy little girl growing right now! I feel more and more connected with her every day.

I write a journal to our little lady. Now, I'm nearly as bad to write in that as I am to post a blog, but I'm working on it!

I write to her, reminding her of how important trust in Jesus is. Of how excited we are to see her when the time is right. I tell her of the dreams I have for her. I try to think of what I would want her to know as a young adult if say, I hope this isn't the case, I am not there when she's a teenager, a college student, a new wife, a new mom, or perhaps a person truly meant for single life.

These entries, these words on the pages of notebook, are my connection to her.

Be still my heart, I just realized how like the Bible that is.

Do not cry “blasphemy!”

These are the things I want and need her to know to know me. To know Jesus. To be able to hear my voice when perhaps she can't audibly in the moment she reads it.

They are my heart, from me to her. 

::hums "with love, from me, to you..."::

{“From” is the second word in the new three part blog title, that I promise! I promise is coming!
 Trust me. I have nothing but time right now to work on it.
Here's the link to the first part "Glitter"}

Glitter

Tomorrow is the big day.  Its the day we get to see Baby E again and hopefully find out whether we are having a little boy or a little girl!  It's so exciting!

And a little bit terrifying.

Setting aside thoughts of "oh my word, I'm over half way there!" and "Dear Lord, am I ready to be a mom? Is Somewhere ready to be a dad? I guess we better be because it's happening, and it is good."

As excited and nervous as I am, there is still a thought of a little fear.  There is still that small part of my heart that no matter how hard I want to embrace this child and full heartedly enjoy this pregnancy, that small part still has a guard up, still has a ounce of fear of "be careful.  What if you get all worked up and excited and tomorrow they say there is a problem, and all that joy becomes pain." 

It sucks, don't even bother to pardon my 'French', it plain old sucks to feel that.

Today I put up a gender poll on Facebook.  I'll admit, it was scary!

Someone asked for a baby bump picture to be able to make their prediction.  I smiled at the clever ploy to get a bump pic and raced to the bathroom to get dressed for work and get make up on so I could take it.  As I put on my make up, I wondered if this could be the last happy picture of me in this pregnancy.

Now before I go on with this seeming "diatribe", I am not dispondant about this baby. I have every hope and prayer that tomorrow will be a day of awesome excitement and rejoicing.  I am posting this as an "encouragement" to other After Loss moms that they are not alone in these little doubts and it is okay and normal.

I had that thought, for that fleeting moment, and I said to myself "then embrace the joy today."
I enjoyed every second of that beautiful (huge feeling) baby bump.  I did my hair and I did my make up with happiness at getting ready to share my delight over this body carrying life in it.

As I drove to work after sharing the picture, I thought about the moment of doubt and the embrace of joy. I realized it was a lesson I hope to carry everyday from now on.  A lesson of not knowing what time you have left with anyone, be they close or the person buying coffee from you that day.  You have that instant to give the belief that faith is not in vain, to impart hope, to sprinkle love.  To find the glitter in the moment.  To be the glitter. Embrace it.

English Standard Version (©2001)
"So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1 Cor. 13:13

And on that note, I give you the first word of the new blog name: "Glitter."  The name has three parts and I am desperately trying to have it up by the first week of July.  Be on the lookout for posts giving the next two parts!

Source: biblehub.com

Bragging on Somewhere

Last night, after a fun night of hanging out with some friends of ours, Somewhere and I got home about an hour after my normal... I would call it "bedtime" but its more closely akin to "Loss-of-any-power-in-the-'verse-to-stay-awake time."  It doesn't matter if I'm on a couch or in the bed or car, I will fall asleep.  When we were playing Halo with our friends I mentally had to will myself to stay awake with "you will not lay down... you WILL NOT lay down."  I was supremely grateful when Somewhere, watching out for me despite my most valiant attempts to last, signaled we were headed home.

We got home and still had some tidying, which really means cleaning, to do before my brother (yay!) and one of my close friends (yayyay!) were planning to come in today.  (They aren't coming together or anything, it just happened to be they would both be here.)  It really was the plan for me to just sweep and Somewhere unload the dishwasher, which I abhor, and then go to bed.

I sat down for a moment to untie my shoes and say hello to my T-dog, who greets me like she will never see me again past this moment and figures I need a store up of her massive love.  It's rather nice.  Last night, though, she managed to bop her head, so gently, onto one of the "blemishes" on my chin.  It stung, but more than that, it was the final straw.  It hurt and gave a crack in a wall I didn't even know was there, built to contain the many emotions of this pregnant lady. I felt the tears rise up as I just couldn't deal anymore.  I told T that I loved her but I needed space right now.  (Really, it didn't hurt that bad!)  I knew it was time to just cry, give into the emotions for a moment and cry them out.  Yes, I'm that kind of woman.

I stood up and took two steps to Somewhere, tears just about to start brimming over, and hugged him. Perhaps grasped on and cling to him would be a closer image. Then I started to cry.

There has indeed been times when this would have been a little bit of a shock moment for him.  He knows how to deal with "woman tears" but his response used to be to make me laugh, which I didn't mind at all, or to perhaps be a bit overwhelmed himself and just try to understand my confusing rants of emotional angst.

Not last night.  He asked what was wrong as he held me.  I sobbed about how tired I was and then just kept sobbing. He told me that was really okay, we've had an incredibly busy month for us. I simpered that I just needed a hug and his reply, "you can always come get one." *happysigh*
I sat down and he called B-Boy over to give me a kiss.  That dog gives awesome kisses.
Somewhere waited and then gently asked if I was "just tired."  I told him no. This was quite a bit of baby hormones, exhaustion, and just plain being overwhelmed.  With everything.  Which received a laugh filled series of questions that proved I wasn't exactly overwhelmed by everything.

He listened to the list of things that I was basically "done" over.  We talked about them a little and I asked if it would be so bad if we just went to sleep.  He asked if that's what I wanted and when I agreed it was, he said he had been thinking about taking a nap anyway. (We'll talk about his sleep habits perhaps in another post.  They are... different.)  I was still teary when we started getting into bed.  I smiled and said "okay, it's almost over."  I then apologized for crying, admitting that it was probably a frustrating, startling or scary moment when I did.  He told me it wasn't. I asked if it was confusing.  He said no.  I then asked what it was.  He replied that it was just something that would happen. It just was.

You are probably wondering the point of this post.

It's my post of gratitude to be blessed with a spouse who is there.  This isn't to point out the ones that aren't there or anything like that. I am just so blessed by the love and acceptance he shows.

He has been there for me through so, so much. He strives to be a provider and leader for our home. He learns the complex lesson of what makes a Me tick better every single day.  I've watched him grow more protective, especially since see the baby bump forming. He guards me. He protects. He shelters.

Do we ever have our bad days? Of course we do. We both have moments of wondering if the other person knows us at all. We don't always protect.

But in the end, he is my teammate. We will always look out for each other.

I love him.

Side note:
For a great post on love, check out sarah at My Shady Grove.

Heartbeats (This may be updated later.)

Heartbeats are an incredibly important thing to me, aside from the fact of how mine helps keep me alive.

I didn't realize that I loved the sound of a heartbeat until I met Somewhere.
See, this may be hard to believe, considering my cold exterior, but I can be so sappy and a bit of the romantic.
-Who are we kidding, I cry at Britain's Got Talent auditions.-
Anyhow, I used to tell him that I missed my heartbeat.  I then explained that since I had given him my heart, he now held my heartbeat in his chest.  I know, cheesy. After our time apart when he was at school or in NC, I would lay my head against his chest whenever we would reunite and just listen to his steady heartbeat.

Then with the Sweethearts, I lay on a table and listened, with all of my might, for the sound of life from the Doppler.  I didn't know all I would ever hear was the sound of silence.  I'm at peace with that now.

I waited again, in April, to hear that sound from the ultrasound machine.  It was the most glorious sound I think I've ever heard, that fast "thump-thump" that filled the room.  Every time I get nervous or have a rough day, it's all I can do to stop myself from plunking down LARGE amount of cash needed to rent a personal Doppler.  I take a bath and lay submerged, just wanting to hear something or feel a movement.  (I haven't yet, but one day I will.)

I can't help but correlate that with my walk with God.  I'm not the person who daily remembers to read their Bible and spend time in devotions. I've typed before about my many failings.  As the day gets closer and closer though that Somewhere and I will become the most frequent view of Jesus Baby E has, my heart draws closer to God.
Here I am, about to be a mom. It's so scary. I've felt so far off path before, and still do sometimes. Some days get scary and I suddenly hear the silence.
I realize I want, I need, to hear His heartbeat and feel Him move stronger than I have before, more urgently.

Then He fills the room.

And it is mystical.

Hullo, hullo, hullo!

We are safely moved and settled into our new awesome town.

Unfortunately, I do not have internet at home, because the internet companies say it will be 20 years until we can.  Truly. 20 years. -_-

Therefore, that has made getting the new site design up difficult, even with a web developer for a husband.

It will be up as soon as we can get it up, but for now, I'm just offline.  I thought about trying to blog from my phone all the time, but that would get tedious quickly.

In more exciting news, which has no bearing on the new name when it is announced, Somewhere and I are expecting again!
Nov. 9th is our due date.  :)
We are super excited and have already heard a strong little heartbeat fill a room.

Okay, you are now all up to date and I am off to work.  Until internet arrives in my area, I'll simply continue to only post occasionally from the library.

Thanks and have an awesome, blessed day!

Didge