*Break Pause*

I wish I had the right words to say to those who are hurting this holiday. 
How do you comfort, when the heart is peacefully hurting?

I don't think things like "I'm supposed to be big and round right now." I don't think things like "all I want for Christmas is to be pregnant."  I would love to still be pregnant, but, I am at peace that it is not to be right now.  

To those who have had a love one leave this year, I'm so sorry.   This is such a time of joy and tears, as happiness and smiles fill the air, outlining the ones that aren't there.

All I hear in my mind is this:
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."
James 1:7

He does not change.   He is not a good God one day and an apathetic God the next.  He is God and He is Good.

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

He's good. He's the King.


Verse Source 
Quote Source

Move South, Young Ma'am!

Guess what?

Somewhere and Didge are moving.

We're moving to a new-to-us town about an hour and a half away.

We covet prayers of provision and guidance as we follow

our hearts promptings.

Sad side:

I will be breaking from blogging til the first of the year.

Have a safe and happy Christmas!

P.s.

Be looking for the new blog name and look in Jan/Feb.

My Hearts - Explained

I was looking through my saved/locked texts.  Yeah, my phone is that old that I have to lock text so I don't lose them when I frequently have to clear my inbox.  I had a text I saved from my brother.  Now he's the Costume Design Head (? Not sure his title) at his alma mater's theater department.  You need the context.

"Do you have the ability to measure a few parts of yourself right now?"

He was really just referring to the ability to take physical measurements.  Given the timing, this was a mere two days after I got home from the hospital, I instantly was hit by the wording.  That was one of the exact questions I had been asking myself.  And then, the answer was no.  Now I'm more prepared.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life.  What are some of the desires of my heart?

My mine desire is to glorify God.  

I believe God give us tons of other desires though, and those desires lead to the culmination of that most important of desires.

I'm going to kind of delve into my heart... and just like the sweethearts have a room, my different loves have different rooms in my heart.  I shall from now on refer to them as my hearts.  It's just simpler for me that way.  I feel the need to measure a few parts and find what makes up the whole.

I hope you'll join me.

:)

Gifts I've Been Given: 

#1: Words.

Question?

I'm formulating a goal/plan/schedule for how often I post.

Therefore, dear readers, here is my question:

Would you mind to take a minute to comment, either on here or Facebook?

Yes?
Great! Thank you.
Second question, if I may.

How often would you like me to update?
To me, I get bogged down when someone posts daily.
It's a lot to keep up with.  I know it only takes minutes to read a post, but, let's be honest, we are really picky about how long we're willing to spend on stuff these days.
But. This isn't about me... sorta.
How often do you like to read blogs?
Let me know... please.

Thank you!

my hearts - home

I have been thinking about being settled lately.

I moved houses a good few times as a child.  I didn't mind though.  Each brought a new adventure and new friends.  I have a fond spot for each home in my mind.  And that's just what they were, home.  My mom was a master of making a place home.  I never really thought about that before.  She was so gifted in bringing our family's aura/essence into our new quarters.  I never felt not at home. Never.

That is a gift I'm working on... can you work on a gift? I suppose you can.  I'm working on what makes home and what makes us.  By working, I don't just mean hanging up pictures (this is the first house I've done that in.)  I mean I've been mulling it over in my mind.

Somewhere and I have moved a grand total of four times in our four years of marriage. Each house felt more like home than the last.  That said, I haven't learned how to pack up, and then unpack, "home."  That thing that makes it where no longer how long you live there or what the dwelling looks like, it is home.   My heart has been seeking home.  It wants to sink into it like a warm down comforter, like the perfect garden hide away, the tinkle of wind chimes.  It wants to settle in.  I want to settle in.

End of part one of the My Hearts Series.

Please take a minute to answer the Question by clicking here: Of course, I would love to!

.A day for magic. (Partially written two days ago.)

Today is one of those days where you're just a bit bored of it all.

I went over to my grandparents this morning, just hanging out and working around the house.  I came home and I wanted to play DA2, but, the Xbox was occupied.  Thus, I did what any sane person would do.   I cleaned the living room and organized all my magazines.  Doesn't everyone do that when they can't play?
Now I'm just bored.

I'd love a day without all the things only adults worry about.  I'm disenchanted with dealing with bills, cleaning, silly humans, jealousy (on my part), clocks, mirrors, and responsibilities of really any kind.  Is anyone really enchanted with any of that? Well no, but that's not my point.

It's a day I wish my vices weren't just that, vices.
I'm in the mood for copious amounts of sugar, dark, dark chocolate, whiskey (let's not get into everyone's views on alcohol), and smoking under comfy blankets on the back porch.
Again, I merely said I'm in the mood for those.  All of those are vices of mine, things I desire.  Okay, dark chocolate isn't a vice, but it went with the rest.

More than anything, I simply want to be carefree for a while.  That's not really a bad thing.
The problem is when, as I used to be, I go to those things for comfort when they don't offer lasting comfort.  They don't fix problems long-term, in fact, a couple, (sugar, my face is looking at you) cause more problems then they are worth.

This isn't really a profound post.  Just thinking out loud.  The obvious profound message would be about Christ being the fulfillment of all our desires.  That is true. As C.S. Lewis puts it:

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”― C.S. Lewis

(2 days later)

I was in fact talking to a friend about the above tonight.  How just a few months ago, I went through the lesson of God being my number one source of satisfaction for my desire for love.  He, before all, including Somewhere, is my source of that need-meet.

I feel like I candy-coat my faith.  I hope I convey that these lessons were not easy. They included heartbreak, tears, angry yelling in prayer, not really at God but just at it all, and much pain.  I don't skip through life, giggling at butterflies and la-di-dahing how awesome my Savior is.  This faith of mine is hard-fought, fraught with my failures, dirty, real and alive.  It is God come to Earth.  It is Heaven in dust.  It is glorious.

thief.

This week was emotional.  I had been nice and mellow for a while and this week was not mellow. :) I could cry at the drop of a hat over anything.  Honestly.  I dropped a hat and cried.  Okay, not really.  So not honestly.

It was only makeup that saved me from being a blubbering mess at the Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm really hesitant to write this part because of the effect it might have on people around me.  As in, on them being around me.

Tonight, I found out someone is pregnant.  I am good friends with this person so I was thrilled for them.  I really, truly, madly, deeply was.

I also wanted to cry though.
I've been good with announcements until this week.  This week, they have brought tears to my eyes.  It's one of the side effects of pregnancy loss. (While I don't believe I 'lost', this is the title people relate with the most.)   Thankfully, I had done some intense eye makeup and I could hold it together thinking "well, you don't want to be a runny mess, O dummy of Not Wearing Waterproof." Sounds shallow, I know, who would place vanity against mourning pain, but, sometimes you do what you have to do.

I remember being on the other side of it.  I remember not knowing how the news of my pregnancy would affect (or effect? I still don't understand the correct usage) my friends who had gone through miscarriage or infertility.  I wanted to share my joy and, at the same time, not add pain. It's such a tricky, tricky balance.

It seems so selfish too.  How dare my pain diminish your joy.  Please don't view it like that.

You see, it was the taking of joy that broke my heart over and over and over and over again through this.  One of my main thoughts at the beginning of miscarrying after thoughts of Somewhere were "how can I tell my mom? How can I take this from her?"  I felt like a joy thief.  I felt like I was ripping away something precious and beautiful.  I was a destroyer.

I know it wasn't me.  If I had a choice, I wouldn't.  That isn't how it feels though.

The thing that kills me the most, that cuts my heart to shreds is remembering the joy.
My mother's happy screams at the news, my grandfather musing on "having a baby around the house again," my sweet young friend who would talk to Fruit Loop every time she saw me, and had told her parents she was going to be an aunt. (She quickly had to clarify she wasn't saying one of her sisters were pregnant.)  All I could think sometimes was "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so, so sorry."

There isn't words for being the carrier of such a knife.

The happiness from others gets replaced with awkwardness, sadness and worst of all, fear.
I feel like a death omen. Like everything a pregnant woman wouldn't want to think about.  That is a hard thing, I mean my name literally means joy. So many people call me "Joyful" as a nickname.

And that is what I am.  My joy doesn't come only from happiness.  It is from contentment and peace in knowing my Savior. To be known.  I may be sad, but, my joy is not gone.  My youngest brother reminded me, when talking about how an artist had sign something to a fan, loosely quoting here: "Life [really] sucks right now. But John 10:10."

"the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. i come that they may have life and have it adundantly." 

{john 10:10 esv}

I am a follower of the God whose goal is life and life abundant.  I cling to that.

Therefore, while I totally understand the awkwardness, please don't be afraid of your joy.  Don't block us out of the joy out of fear.  I may cry, but know, it will not be tears of pain alone. It will be tears of great rejoicing.  I don't want to be the taker of joy anymore.

I love your joy.