.A day for magic. (Partially written two days ago.)

Today is one of those days where you're just a bit bored of it all.

I went over to my grandparents this morning, just hanging out and working around the house.  I came home and I wanted to play DA2, but, the Xbox was occupied.  Thus, I did what any sane person would do.   I cleaned the living room and organized all my magazines.  Doesn't everyone do that when they can't play?
Now I'm just bored.

I'd love a day without all the things only adults worry about.  I'm disenchanted with dealing with bills, cleaning, silly humans, jealousy (on my part), clocks, mirrors, and responsibilities of really any kind.  Is anyone really enchanted with any of that? Well no, but that's not my point.

It's a day I wish my vices weren't just that, vices.
I'm in the mood for copious amounts of sugar, dark, dark chocolate, whiskey (let's not get into everyone's views on alcohol), and smoking under comfy blankets on the back porch.
Again, I merely said I'm in the mood for those.  All of those are vices of mine, things I desire.  Okay, dark chocolate isn't a vice, but it went with the rest.

More than anything, I simply want to be carefree for a while.  That's not really a bad thing.
The problem is when, as I used to be, I go to those things for comfort when they don't offer lasting comfort.  They don't fix problems long-term, in fact, a couple, (sugar, my face is looking at you) cause more problems then they are worth.

This isn't really a profound post.  Just thinking out loud.  The obvious profound message would be about Christ being the fulfillment of all our desires.  That is true. As C.S. Lewis puts it:

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”― C.S. Lewis

(2 days later)

I was in fact talking to a friend about the above tonight.  How just a few months ago, I went through the lesson of God being my number one source of satisfaction for my desire for love.  He, before all, including Somewhere, is my source of that need-meet.

I feel like I candy-coat my faith.  I hope I convey that these lessons were not easy. They included heartbreak, tears, angry yelling in prayer, not really at God but just at it all, and much pain.  I don't skip through life, giggling at butterflies and la-di-dahing how awesome my Savior is.  This faith of mine is hard-fought, fraught with my failures, dirty, real and alive.  It is God come to Earth.  It is Heaven in dust.  It is glorious.

Okay.

I've been missing from here for a while.  I had a ladies' retreat last weekend and it just knocked me on my be-hind (because I need you to say it that way in your mind.)  I have since managed to join a lovely sore throat and stuffed up nose to this being of mine.  They are welcome to leave any day now.

I've also been pretty okay lately.

Today is 6 weeks.  It hardly seems possible that it has been that long.  I haven't broken down crying (except during the ladies' retreat) in a week.  There is nothing at all wrong with crying, I have embraced that release, I simply haven't.  I've thought about it.  I've thought about many things that should have made me cry, but nope, not a tear.

I think in part it's because I know it won't change anything.  I still miss those sweethearts.  I still mourn. I just know that dwelling more than I need to isn't going to change anything.  I can't live in that moment.  There isn't life in the past.  To me, a big part of life is the unexplained and unexpected. That doesn't exist in the past.

I don't know how to best put it in words.  I feel like all that was very jumbled.  The basic: I've been gaining some closure.
A friend recently asked, after me reassuring him twice that I meant it when I said I was really doing well, how long it took me to get over it.  I told him I would never really be "over it" but that doesn't mean I'm not okay.
I have found so much good in this, a couple new roles, and I have peace and so therefore I'm really okay.

I'm okay.