2 Corinthians 2:10-11 ESV Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, (11) so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.
I didn't find a perfect verse for what I want to say, but, these will work.
Last week, due to a problem with a "friend", contained one of the hardest nights of my life. I was just emotionally done. Somewhere and I were in the right and things got intense between us and the friend in a way with which I've never had to deal.
On top of that, and all the other chaos that has been in our lives lately, I've been struggling with the fact that earlier in the day, I sinned. I know that statement sounds strange, but, it's the best way to say it. I sinned. I messed up. I opened doors that should forever stay shut. I was beating myself up over it the next morning. I was thinking about how many ways it could ruin so much of my world and all this and God spoke up.
He impressed on my heart how I was not my judge. I was not in control. In this case, that's an extremely good thing. He gently reminded my heart that I am not the one who decides just how much "punishment" I should receive. I was so busy bruising up my heart that I didn't take a moment to ask God about it all. I asked for forgiveness and took no time to receive it or purification of my heart.
The moment I stopped and said "Lord, clean me." It was done. The burden lifted. I'm not saying I just cleaned my conscience. It definitely wasn't like that. I just understood in the way my finite mind can, that I was forgiven.
I am sharing this I think to remind people to take a minute and think if there is any case were the one punishing you is simply you.
Thoughts below, I'll reply :)
Isaiah 33:24 ESV And no inhabitant will say, “I am sick”; the people who dwell there will be forgiven their iniquity.
i just can't even comprehend how to stop beating myself up over the things i've done. i can't accept that Jesus can forgive me if every single day i get up and my heart is in this place.
ReplyDeletei can usually ignore it, unless i'm tired or drunk or both, as happened in denmark and i sobbed uncontrollably with my head in rachael's lap, saying "Jesus doesn't looooove meeeeee..." and rachael replying, "yes, ayla, he does."
He does love you Ayla. I can't wait to get to talk to you more about life, because you've hinted at this before. You are lovable. I hope you know this.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
:)