Josh and I are so excited and
surprised! We really thought we were having a boy. We are in no
way, at all, disappointed, just very surprised. I kept looking at him
through out the day saying “we're having a girl!?” We already
have a pretty solid idea of our girl's name, but it's not a sure
thing yet. We want to leave room for God to lead us if the name is
not the right one for her.
She is so strong already! I thought
for weeks that I just was having some trouble with my stomach because
of a “popping” sensation I would get. Well, as I was having my
ultrasound, the tech looked at me and said “Do you feel her
kicking? 'Cause I sure do, so I know you have to be feeling those!”
I definitely was, and wouldn't you know, it was that not so subtle
popping feeling I had been having. It was amazing to watch her kick
on the screen and feel it at the same time. She has a good, strong
heartbeat and everything is right on target with her development.
We went from the elation of hearing all
that good news to “there's something I do want to check on though.
You looked a little short in your cervix.”
Say what.
No, you just told me everything looked
perfect.
I heard her heartbeat.
She's perfect.
Nothing is wrong.
All those things are true... about her.
Not me.
I've been on bed rest since then with a
“incompetent cervix.” (Basically, my gate was looking like it
wanted to be open and given that I was 20 weeks, almost 21, at the
time, that's not good.) Thankfully, this is a condition they know
well and they have options for how to work with it.
That day turned whirlwind fast as they
looked then had me wait in the waiting area, I spoke to a couple
people and then went home unable to speak to the doctor because he
was in a procedure.
We were a bit messy, unsure how to
feel. We had just received some of the best news and some truly
frustrating news. I felt like a car window with my button in the
hands of a hyper 5 year old. You guys know what I'm talking about...
“updown..upppp, down, udowp!”
We promised an announcement that
afternoon and people were chomping at the bit for it. And they were
right to. We had brilliantly, wonderful news! Fantastic! It's a
girl! Yay!
From happy to confused.
From elation to desperation.
From praise to petition.
Then back again.
And I had the words from the day before
ringing in my head. Now is when the choice came. What would I
choose? Would I praise?
Yes. There is still so much good right
now. So much hope. Why would I despair? That won't help a thing.
It's like I told someone earlier, it would be easy to get mad at God.
It would be easy to say “seriously, why me?!” Do the hard thing.
Embrace the joy.
There is a beautiful, healthy little
girl growing right now! I feel more and more connected with her
every day.
I write a journal to our little lady.
Now, I'm nearly as bad to write in that as I am to post a blog, but
I'm working on it!
I write to her, reminding her of how
important trust in Jesus is. Of how excited we are to see her when
the time is right. I tell her of the dreams I have for her. I try
to think of what I would want her to know as a young adult if say, I
hope this isn't the case, I am not there when she's a teenager, a
college student, a new wife, a new mom, or perhaps a person truly
meant for single life.
These entries, these words on the pages
of notebook, are my connection to her.
Be still my heart, I just realized how
like the Bible that is.
Do not cry “blasphemy!”
These are the things I want and need
her to know to know me. To know Jesus. To be able to hear my voice
when perhaps she can't audibly in the moment she reads it.
They are my heart, from me to her.
::hums "with love, from me, to you..."::
{“From” is the second word in the
new three part blog title, that I promise! I promise is coming!
Trust me. I have nothing but time right now to work on it.
Here's the link to the first part "Glitter"}
Trust me. I have nothing but time right now to work on it.
Here's the link to the first part "Glitter"}